Messed up

This space is starting to look really trashy. Snippets of absolutely unrelated posts with the content but no packaging. Its probably the best i can come up with right now. I'm not even studying actually, its just that overwhelming feeling of guilt that prevents me from doing anything else but studying, or pretending to study.

I'm unbelievably useless ahhh. Floods of emails/snail mail coming in to tell me to sign up for this and that and this, and I'm just wallowing in mild despair because I'm not going to be able to get the grades to prove anything la.

Damn. Half of the papers I've done so far are going to yield uncertain results and as for GP, that was so so so so bad. Its one thing to be radical and another to do it in an exam. The only consolation would be that it really was my best, and I wouldn't have been able to write anything for any other question. I could have gone with the flow and churn out a horribly generic essay, but no, what did i have to do? Write out an impressive pile of opinions and skewed viewpoints that is now on a plane on its way to get judged by a bunch of stuffy old professors. And my grade hangs on their take on my essay, while it was in my power to write a boring one and bore them to tears and force my A out of them.

I guess this is it though. Whats done is done, and theres no looking back. The As feel different in the sense that it's going to be the very last time i'm put through a national exam like this. After each paper for the Os it just seems like a short pause before more in JC. This doesn't feel like that. Its like with each paper i'm snipping away the strings left to this form of education. Structured and oppressive and really really competitive.

I guess i like the way that its done. Which explains my slightly disconcerting apprehension for the life after As. On one hand it surely will feel very good- liberating in fact- to get out and study what i really really really want (and i really look forward to studying. I wouldn't even mind living the life of an academic. I love studying, just not forcing knowledge out meaninglessly like this in exams), and on the other hand........

I don't know how to put it into words exactly, but its a very distinct feeling. Its not apprehension, nor worry, nor hesitation..........I don't know what it is exactly but its that feeling. The one you get when the wheels of the roller coaster click off the pully system that brings you up the slope.

I'm still undecided on how to spend my post As. I can see why the social circles of the middle aged dwindle. Former friends stuck together seeing each other everyday at school fan out and go into their own fields. Their own schedules, their own commitments. Its really difficult to put on hold yours, only to find that you've missed out on something good just waiting for a friend that never really did make time for you. Then people grow more selfish, putting their commitments before making time for their friends, inadvertenly pushing the health of the relationship to the backseat. Compromises are so difficult, especially for people who aren't willing to relent.

But its okay! One day, one step at a time. Leave this to the future me to worry about. I'm happy today because i get to study for H3 and this is such a refreshing break from boring old econs. I'm such a nerd but i love being one!