Go on, continue pushing me a little further away and maybe one day I'd not come back at all.

Mandarin

Had a conversation with Jz's mom yesterday on a very cringe-worthy topic. I mentioned that my proficiency in spoken mandarin has plummeted ever since I've been done with JC Chinese, all the while in a smattering of very hesitant mandarin and markedly more fluent english lol. All the while she was speaking to me in pretty smooth mandarin hahaha.

(inserts an embarrassed face)

A few things I am shy about and hence don't practice them. Mandarin is up on the list, along with swimming. I keep telling myself I can't do it, but I actually do know how hm. Should do something about my embarrassing mastery about both issues.

Record

School talk

Second part of my post, something more down-to-earth and relevant: an update on my current choices for academic pursuits.

Ever since I screwed up a few papers for my As, I've been seriously considering a backup plan for if I didn't get accepted into NUS pharmacy- Chemistry. By extension, I've also been toying around the idea of teaching as a career.

I was never interested in teaching as a career. I never had those worldly aspirations of imparting knowledge, nor have ever found it as a calling. This alarms me as I find myself unconsciously veering towards education all of a sudden. Applying for tuition agencies. Reading up on education systems. Learning about the structure of languages. Applying for jobs as facilitators of educational camps. And the most startling thing??

I find myself no longer looking at monetary remunerations of a job, but instead at the fullness of the experience it offers.

I have no idea why I feel this way. It is by no means a bad thing I admit, but its so sudden that it gives this slight fear that I'm making myself feel this way, instead of naturally wanting to teach. Is this where the cowardly reference from my dream comes into the picture, that I'm going to give up my aspirations of studying about pharmaceuticals, just because I fear that I'm never going to make it in?

-

On a brighter note, that isn't really the end. I have been browsing through NUS's pages and I found another very very interesting alternative. Pharmacy major, with forensic science minor. I would LOVE to study that. But the workload,....................On one hand I love being busy but on the other, thats what we always say, before we're thrown into the tempest of work during which all that we can do is to struggle to stay afloat instead of going down under, right?

Its just that life is so leisurely now, that I cannot estimate the scale or magnitude of workload with much accuracy. I'm really looking forward to March right now, that I have an alternative to turn to should my plans for NUS Pharmacy go to naught. :)

Other updates:
- applying for NTU early admission, Chemistry
- giving up USP. Too cowardly. Abysmal confidence at interdisciplinary studies.
- going to commit to the CVDE (combined varsity dance ensemble, by Peter Gn. I don't actually call it the CVDE, it just sounds cooler this way hahaha. We just call it the "Peter Gn thing")

Storybook dream

Gonna have to split up what I wanted to say today into two posts, because I recently catalogued majority of my posts with their rightful labels.

First of which: the dream I've been having.
Its been the exact same dream (with very slight variations) I had for the past two nights, which struck me as very peculiar because I wasn't even pondering about it the day after the first dream.

The dream starts off in my room, at night. The family's outside watching tv/at the computer and everything's normal. I'm in my room with this rugged guy who looked something like a Japanese version of Sirius Black/Ashton Kutcher but leaner. He's trained in Shinjitsu, and apparently trying to help save my life.

He tells me that close to a bit after midnight, somebody is going to break into my room and try to capture me. The guy has orders to bring me to a lair by 5am, and kill nice-shinjitsu-guy by 6am. We prepare for the ambush.

Sure enough, past midnight the windows start rattling and I run to the living room. I hear the bad-guy chasing the good-shinjitsu-guy around the house at Edward Cullen-ish speeds. Bad-guy finds me, and starts throwing darts with poisonous vials attached to them. I freak out, and try to find cover crouching near to the base of the sofa. I thought of myself as very smart because then he'd have to lob them at a trajectory angle, which would give me more time to avoid them because he'd be unable to control the speed at which the darts come down at me, since they're subjected to gravity under free fall.

Suddenly the firing stops, and with a clatter and a rush of wind, the apartment feels emptier. I peer over the edge of the sofa and realise that both good- and bad-guy have vanished, leaving behind only the headband of good-shinjitsu-guy behind. If he had been overpowered, means that he was at the mercy of whoever who wanted to kill him! I was horribly upset and started breaking down.

Just then, another good-guy-friend appeared. He was clad in a dusty brown cape, reminiscent of Dustfinger (from the Inkheart trilogy). He tells me that we have to save good-shinjitsu-guy. I didn't need much convincing, so we plunged out into the darkness of the night and our adventure begins.

Across a street corner, our path ends with a lone lamp post, and we're forced to enter the water. With the apprehension of stepping into unknown depths (akin to what Harry felt when he had to cross the water to get to Voldemort's horcrux in the cave), I steeled myself with resolve and told myself it had to be done, for good-shinjitsu-guy who saved my life. Together with dustfinger-guy, we plunged into the water.

At this point, I remember pressing the ";" key to activate the Stealth skill (that key's what my brother allocated the Stealth skill of his battle mage to hahaha), and I was disillusioned (HP reference) and could breath and see better underwater. It was a ghost city underneath, like those N.Korea ghost towns. Fully lit, but devoid of inhabitation. Creepy, but we soldiered on.

Oh I've yet to mention. When the street ended, we were standing on what looked like the bend before turning into Goodman Road (the walk in from bus 12's stop). We had to swim the whole length of what looked very suspiciously like CCHMS's ornate buildings to reach those towering gates. To be objectively honest, CCHMS was indeed capable of looking menacing at night during those nightwalks.

We reached the gates and we had so little time to spare! It was 4.28am and my heart was pounding really hard. Plan was for this to happen: I give myself up to the mastermind, giving dustfinger-guy enough time to snoop around and rescue good-shinjitsu-guy.

I surfaced, and revealed myself. I was brought to the mastermind, who now on hindsight, really reminded me of Galbatorix-Basta (inkheart again). At this point it was somewhat like good vs evil of Harry vs Voldemort. Red vs Green. Light vs Dark. Eragon vs Galbatorix.

Climax of the story (which I am really quite ashamed to reveal, but I should to preserve the integrity of the tale): I was such a coward. I wanted to preserve my life, so I gave in to the wishes of Basta-mastermind. I became his puppet on strings. I told myself it was to buy more time for dustfinger-guy to save good-shinjitsu-guy, but deep down I knew it was really done to save my life. Why, am I really so cowardly?????????? :(

I'm marrying this guy. Why not nowwww.

Stupid

My mind is degrading into oblivion. All I've done for the past few weeks is just to go out, spend money, eat and walk about. Nothing constructive done for my brain. Even all that job hunting and scholarship applications are just regurgitations and consolidations of my past achievements. Boring as hell.

Just read through my blog archives in another bit to sieve out events that are note-worthy, and I came across one of my GP essays: Can the transport of food over vast distances be justified? Written in preparation for the A levels, without a thesaurus, dictionary or any other reference material/examples. The standard of my language was supreme in comparison to the banal,subpar level it is at right now.

Hence the reason for this post. Stemming from the need to maintain my proficiency in the English language, I shall..........continue writing GP essays right here in this space. There're a few more essay plans that i've yet to put fully into paragraphs. Those will provide a reasonable starting point for my flaccid brain. When I run out of essay plans I can start writing essays from scratch again.

Tomorrow I'm going to read this post and go "oh god what have I promised myself this time", but one has to do what's got to be done. Such a heavy promise but I will make good on my word. I like writing and reading anyway.

Time to pack up my room, then drop by the library if there's time left to spare :)

Singhealth pharmacy scholarship

Rushed through the full application in an hour, including finding referrals and consolidating various achievements. Madly panicked when I couldn't find certificates, or dates of events.

I now hereby promise that I will religiously record every happening on my blog, no matter how brief.

I will also be more organised, and will start my packing my room until it's immaculately ordered.

I'd never want to rush and risk an application like that again. I got off by a hair's breadth, and it is the largest risk I'd want to take for something that matters to me T.T post-As life is turning out to be harder than I thought.

NTU early app

Doing this because I'm so worried that I'd never get into NUS Pharmacy because my performance for As was abysmal. I think I'd actually cry if I don't, to be frank. Toying with the idea of studying Chemistry as a backup.

Anyway as some sort of record, here are the top three achievements i entered into the system, in descending order of merit:

1. SYF 2011

Award: Silver

This involvement required great emotional resilience and discipline for self-directed improvement. I had to be focused even during practices after school ending at 9pm to keep the team on task. Despite our fatigue, I did not hesitate to offer (and receive) help, as teamwork was of paramount importance to the item. I tutored my peers during breaks in between dance practices, and juggled both my studies and the heavy commitments to dance practices. The disappointing subpar award taught me how hard work did not guarantee success, yet failure does not remotely lessen the joy of a fulfilling experience.

2. Swiss science immersion programme

The programme itinerary pedalled the opportunity to visit science facilities as the highlight of the trip, but through active involvement, my takeaway from the trip was greater than that. By initiating interaction with our Swiss peers, I could glean insights of the Swiss culture and education system through stories of my buddy’s personal experiences. Although we were given guided tours of various tourist attractions, the first-hand accounts of Swiss life brought to light how certain nuances not captured by the guide was only apparent upon greater introspection or participation.

3. OGL, PSL

As an OGL, I had to integrate freshmen from the 2011 batch into the Victorian community. While appearing spirited and ebullient, I still had to handle time management, communication amongst the OGLs and safety of my freshmen during games simultaneously to facilitate the smooth-flowing of the event. My enthusiasm to share the Victorian spirit proved to be a great ice breaker, and through sharing my experiences, I could form more personal relationships, even with freshmen who wanted to transfer out. Being a PSL subsequently required continual guidance of my freshmen even after the hype of Orientation died down.


300 word essay:
"Share an event or incident you have encountered personally and why and/or how it has affected you or is especially meaningful to you"

While out shopping, my mother and I realised that we were running late for a family gathering. While we were rushing over, she received a text from my aunt, informing us that she’d be late. Almost immediately, her fast trot slowed to a leisurely pace. Startled by the abrupt change in gait, I asked her:

“Aren’t we running late?”

To which her reply was: “It doesn’t matter, there’s somebody later than us.”

Make no mistake, I love my mother and I think she is one of the most brilliant women I know. I have always looked up to her since I was young, and aspired to be as great as her. Her actions were benchmarks for mine, and I worked towards them doggedly without taking a step back to examine them.

Now I have, and in the process, came to this revelation:

One can really be only as good as the person they are learning from.

My mother is a great woman, and she has taken care of us exceedingly well. I suppose self-preservation was the key to securing a stable life when she had to learn that life lesson, and hence she has tried to pass it on to her children through the mantra “It doesn’t matter as long as there is somebody behind you”.

It took me awhile to realise this, but it dawned on me that I wouldn’t like to live my life this way. This realisation challenged my reasons to blindly take my mother as my role model, emulating both her strengths and weaknesses (which were new to me).

Today, any benchmark I set for myself uses my expectations as a yardstick, instead of another person’s achievements. It is to myself that I owe this self-improvement, not to anybody else.

No more hiding

Things i will do the coming week:

- Jz's present
- USP application. Read up.
- NTU application.
- label all my blog posts accordingly
- pack up my room
- Buy silver marker and envelops for christmas gifts
- Go for peter gn's dance

From facebook

A few days back I attended the personal statement writing workshop (useless thing), and it was brought to my awareness that it would do well for me to have a log of the things that happened in my past two years worthy of reflection.

(okay okayyyyy prom post coming up.)

The greatest misfortune is that i have no inclination of recording day-to-day events in my blog.

Now as im applying for NTU's early admission (oh god so screwed the deadline is on thursday and I'm going out today and tomorrow), there is a rising tidal wave of panic because im compelled to list out achievements in a chronological order.

Hence the reason for this largely summative post of what has happened so far in my VJ years. Not complete right now, but i'll continue editing.

-

2010
Orientation, mass dance @ suntec, cross country



Chinese lessons



JTS



Dance concert, dance dinner, teachers' day performance






CCHMS's speech day



AQUAMAMA





2011
RHEA, Solaris2011, R6, OG dinner, OG chalet






Valentines



SYF




Switzerland



Dance farewell




Prom





Birthdays! throughout 2010-2011









There we have it, major events in my VJ life, sans the smattering of outings with the class and dancers. Maybe i'd add them in some time.

Micropost

Everybody thinks that their gay guy friend would make a great boyfriend??

Jz is as gay as can be and I can attest that the statement above is true.

Colours in the wind

Some days I have these great dreams of nothing at all. Dreams of great love, sadness, joy, then loss. They leave me waking up feeling really confused in the morning, but not particularly ecstatic or troubled. In the past, those feelings used to stick with me for the rest of the day but now I find myself waking up desensitised and quite numb to these extreme feelings.

It scares me. Is this part of growing up, losing your capacity to dream and feel? If so, then it'll be a great pity to grow up.

Ago

During those Chung Cheng years when my dad'll pick me up after school, we'd go home via ECP and pass by VJ. It soon became a familiar sight, the basketball and tennis courts.

We just drove by again tonight. I've wanted so much to get in, then I've spent two happy years there and now I'm out. It didn't seem very long ago that I've looked at that place with only a longing. Now there's a simmer of fondness too :)

Blue sky blue sea!

This is Lang Tengah beach of Kuala Terengganu:







Right the pictures aren't of the same size because I got them off google, but look at the sea! In Malaysia! :-0

Watched a pretty good movie yesterday while at Jz's, called Love You You, which was filmed on this beach. Talked about visiting it somewhere in March when its emptier without the holiday crowd! Maybe February. It'll be really great if it happens!!!! :)