Tongue-slips

(will blog about 2011's review and 2012's resolutions, as well as review 2011's resolutions later). Here because I don't want to forget this thought tomorrow morning.

Everybody's different, right?? Some are saintly, some just trash, and most try to make good with what they have, to varying degrees.

And a person is made up of both what he is, and what he does with it.

I am slightly ashamed of what I am, for I am no saint. At my worst, and most forthright, I can be harsh, in-your-face, careless, headstrong. At my best I can be understanding, take-what-comes-along, thoughtful, conscientious. For the larger part of what I am, my worst disgusts me while I am pleasantly contented with my best.

And this is what I do with my worst: all that unpleasant nuances of me simmers away slowly in this large cauldron. Occasionally clouded by anger or under some miscalculated judgement, the lid of the cauldron tips aside to release a seething stream of acrid smoke. Only twice ever has the whole brew been unleashed on a person, two times of which I've never spoken to them ever again.

I try very hard to control myself. Very often, I remain calm and unperturbed and the cauldron bubbles away. This is how I make do with what I have. Very often, I am that sunny, exuberant, thoughtful and pleasant girl, which requires slight effort on my part.

I'm trying, I'm really trying to be a better person. Tonight I had a slip of my tongue that snowballed into something ugly, and I regret. Granted, it was to the one confidant I have whom I trust myself with in all circumstances, but it was no excuse to cut myself any slack.

At this point my head is swarmed with questions to which I have no answer to.
How far to which is having ugly thoughts natural?
How far am I to change this part of me?
How hard should I be on myself, if such thoughts are innate and primal?
How far should I be held responsible for such thoughts I cannot control?
How far should I not be ashamed of them, if they are part of me???