Sunflora lambs

To fail, and......then?

2012-01-26T00:24:00.001+08:00

Short update.

I think of dreaming of my As results and my palms turn clammy and my stomach starts churning.

I hate it when people tell me that "there're so many people who are worse, you aren't lousy". Cut me some slack and don't ask, if that's what you're going to tell me. You'd be semi exasperated, I'd be frustrated.

It's sort of a personal benchmark you know, my grades? I take pride in them and whatever I've set out to achieve, I want to be able to do it.

The fear of failure is too great for me. Other than the more pragmatic aspiration of studying NUS Pharmacy, I also have no heart to think of how I'd face myself if I didn't get my grades.

Straight As, for the record.

One month left to manipulate my probable terror into resignation, for GP and Econs.

I put in so much effort for those but I guess exams really are a matter of luck after all.

It's actually almost seemingly childish to worry about grades right now, when everybody's working and still caught up with having fun. But I worry about it more and more as March draws nearer. Every time I look at my A level Chinese cert and see the B there, it's a stab so stinging I regret not working (even) harder. Bs on my main cert...............good lord.

Childish. Too preoccupied and wound up to let go.

Swimming empty cans

2012-01-19T10:29:00.001+08:00

I saw this article on ST this morning that caught my eye, regarding the pay of political leaders. In summary, SM Lee was of the opinion that we should not underpay ministers, and neither should we expect so utopically that they ministers should live only on the satisfaction that they have served the public.

I've been struggling for awhile to justify the same stand I had all this while, and the article essentially just did that for me.

In that sparkling moment of revelation, I marvelled how "I miss(ed) GP, and feeling right all the time, backed by proper and valid arguments too."

In the next split moment, my other half of the brain spluttered indignantly. It told me that some time ago, I wrote a post affirming how afraid I was to share my opinion or take a firm stand on a GP issue, because after I've read around on different viewpoints, I realised how shallow mine was.

I remember this study I read about before. Simply put, as a person knows more, the less he believes he knows. In my foolishness I actually believed I had a good clear answer to the age old resistance against ministerial pay increments. Ugh.

Politics! I don't even follow it. Never in my J2 year of GP would I even have dared to attempt a politics question because I am painfully underinformed of the political landscape, both local and abroad. Ridiculous to think that I could have ever thought the way I did.

At least I caught myself in time. Alright this just means I shouldn't let my brain rot away anymore. I'll read more! And since I haven't found any good fiction books to read, non-fiction it shall be :)

(on a stuffy bus winding around now, and I'm about to barf from motion sickness.)
(forgot to bring my shades and the sun is reflecting off my phone screen and it hurts)
Okokok enough. Signing off now!!! I'll post about sunway before cny :)

And prom, which I still haven't blogged about hahaha.

Useless without schoooool.

2012-01-11T17:55:00.003+08:00

I am still jobless. Stuck in what we learnt as "frictional/search unemployment". Supposed to increase the overall productiveness of the workforce to achieve better productive efficiency, because of the higher chance of a worker being matched to a job that best suits his ability.

I hope that happens. I'm feeling so useless without a source of income, and all that I've had are expenditures. On clothes (though I've significantly cut down on my shopping already), transport (stupid thing) and the upcoming dance courses. Better get a source of income soon! I'm running a heavy deficit in my account. I've never felt so good for nothing, who said life would be better after school huh huh huh?????

Alright tomorrow I have a job interview for LDC, at 10am. I hope that one pays well because I'm really interested in that one! Working as a facil. Crosses fingers that it'll turn out well. I've been trying to take up tuition assignments too but I think that'll wait until February because I really need some time to organise my materials. It'll be good to be in touch with academics again. So hard to get going after the train has stopped.

So thats about it! Gave up looking for jobs in retail (not that i really honestly tried), because i have abysmal confidence in myself as a retail employee.

Mom is vacuuming the house right now and its really loud, thank goodness I'm going out soon. Gonna dance, then meet Jz to go back together. I hope i get a job soon!

Outings! with jz

2012-01-11T17:30:00.006+08:00

Finally the pictures are up on facebook! So as with my past promise to start documenting my life, here is that post! Of outings with jz.

First one was Udders and starbucks, and to pass Jz his birthday present. Good day. Got drunk on bailey's ice cream, had thai food so spicy the waiters laughed at me for drinking so much water, and went to starbucks in the end but decided not to get a drink because I didn't want to risk embarrassing myself anymore with caffeine.

Then another day we went to I12. Laughed a little at the name, and..............wait what else did we do. It was christmas eve..........oh right after that we went to Jz's place, ended up staying till 3am till dad came back from his own christmas party hahaha. Watched the guys play blackshot, it was pretty entertaining till I fell asleep. Snacked on christmas turkey and cheesecake kitkat for supper.

Last one was the most interesting! Had a sleepover with Jz at my place, ended up staying up waaay past our planned bedtime. Woke up at 530am, and left house at 6 to make our way down to ecp to catch the sunrise! The whole day was spent half under the umbrella because it kept showering and stopping. Now i have an exceptional fondness for my blue umbrella! Had dimsum breakfast at marine parade, then went to print a photo. Popped by Cote d Azure ( i have no idea how you spell it) to wait out 3 hours for our photo to print, and took a little nap. We just walked in through the gates. They have some pretty pavillions.

After that we took a train down to vivo because we wanted to eat at Marche and visit the Henderson Waves. Which we did both in the end, even though we had hesitations about both. At this point i remember being so tired because we walked for so much and we were both in slippers- horrible footwear. So marche it was (had so much! Crepes and paella yum.), then the waves. Climbed 4 flights of steps which left me alarmingly out of breath, hence a new resolve to exercise.

Photos below! That was all there was to the day :)

At this picture I remember very distinctly that he added "I look so well-endowed"

Lazy to caption the photos. They speak for themselves. Now I'll wait out the last few hours before going for street jazz at o school with Rach. Nervousssssssssss~!

Sleepover with jz!

2012-01-10T10:05:00.001+08:00

More about it soon, when those pretty pictures get on facebook :)

2012-01-10T09:45:00.001+08:00

Had a dream yesterday night that I got Bs for GP and chem, and a stupid pass for H3. I was inconsolable for the rest of the night, and the crying wasn't pretty.

Looks like I'm still not ready to accept the imminent failure on results day. I just hope it doesn't hit me too hard.

Tongue-slips

2012-01-01T00:39:00.001+08:00

(will blog about 2011's review and 2012's resolutions, as well as review 2011's resolutions later). Here because I don't want to forget this thought tomorrow morning.

Everybody's different, right?? Some are saintly, some just trash, and most try to make good with what they have, to varying degrees.

And a person is made up of both what he is, and what he does with it.

I am slightly ashamed of what I am, for I am no saint. At my worst, and most forthright, I can be harsh, in-your-face, careless, headstrong. At my best I can be understanding, take-what-comes-along, thoughtful, conscientious. For the larger part of what I am, my worst disgusts me while I am pleasantly contented with my best.

And this is what I do with my worst: all that unpleasant nuances of me simmers away slowly in this large cauldron. Occasionally clouded by anger or under some miscalculated judgement, the lid of the cauldron tips aside to release a seething stream of acrid smoke. Only twice ever has the whole brew been unleashed on a person, two times of which I've never spoken to them ever again.

I try very hard to control myself. Very often, I remain calm and unperturbed and the cauldron bubbles away. This is how I make do with what I have. Very often, I am that sunny, exuberant, thoughtful and pleasant girl, which requires slight effort on my part.

I'm trying, I'm really trying to be a better person. Tonight I had a slip of my tongue that snowballed into something ugly, and I regret. Granted, it was to the one confidant I have whom I trust myself with in all circumstances, but it was no excuse to cut myself any slack.

At this point my head is swarmed with questions to which I have no answer to.
How far to which is having ugly thoughts natural?
How far am I to change this part of me?
How hard should I be on myself, if such thoughts are innate and primal?
How far should I be held responsible for such thoughts I cannot control?
How far should I not be ashamed of them, if they are part of me???

2011-12-26T18:55:00.001+08:00

Go on, continue pushing me a little further away and maybe one day I'd not come back at all.

Mandarin

2011-12-25T18:00:00.001+08:00

Had a conversation with Jz's mom yesterday on a very cringe-worthy topic. I mentioned that my proficiency in spoken mandarin has plummeted ever since I've been done with JC Chinese, all the while in a smattering of very hesitant mandarin and markedly more fluent english lol. All the while she was speaking to me in pretty smooth mandarin hahaha.

(inserts an embarrassed face)

A few things I am shy about and hence don't practice them. Mandarin is up on the list, along with swimming. I keep telling myself I can't do it, but I actually do know how hm. Should do something about my embarrassing mastery about both issues.

Record

2011-12-22T13:10:00.002+08:00

School talk

2011-12-22T12:53:00.002+08:00

Second part of my post, something more down-to-earth and relevant: an update on my current choices for academic pursuits.

Ever since I screwed up a few papers for my As, I've been seriously considering a backup plan for if I didn't get accepted into NUS pharmacy- Chemistry. By extension, I've also been toying around the idea of teaching as a career.

I was never interested in teaching as a career. I never had those worldly aspirations of imparting knowledge, nor have ever found it as a calling. This alarms me as I find myself unconsciously veering towards education all of a sudden. Applying for tuition agencies. Reading up on education systems. Learning about the structure of languages. Applying for jobs as facilitators of educational camps. And the most startling thing??

I find myself no longer looking at monetary remunerations of a job, but instead at the fullness of the experience it offers.

I have no idea why I feel this way. It is by no means a bad thing I admit, but its so sudden that it gives this slight fear that I'm making myself feel this way, instead of naturally wanting to teach. Is this where the cowardly reference from my dream comes into the picture, that I'm going to give up my aspirations of studying about pharmaceuticals, just because I fear that I'm never going to make it in?

-

On a brighter note, that isn't really the end. I have been browsing through NUS's pages and I found another very very interesting alternative. Pharmacy major, with forensic science minor. I would LOVE to study that. But the workload,....................On one hand I love being busy but on the other, thats what we always say, before we're thrown into the tempest of work during which all that we can do is to struggle to stay afloat instead of going down under, right?

Its just that life is so leisurely now, that I cannot estimate the scale or magnitude of workload with much accuracy. I'm really looking forward to March right now, that I have an alternative to turn to should my plans for NUS Pharmacy go to naught. :)

Other updates:
- applying for NTU early admission, Chemistry
- giving up USP. Too cowardly. Abysmal confidence at interdisciplinary studies.
- going to commit to the CVDE (combined varsity dance ensemble, by Peter Gn. I don't actually call it the CVDE, it just sounds cooler this way hahaha. We just call it the "Peter Gn thing")

Storybook dream

2011-12-22T12:20:00.003+08:00

Gonna have to split up what I wanted to say today into two posts, because I recently catalogued majority of my posts with their rightful labels.

First of which: the dream I've been having.
Its been the exact same dream (with very slight variations) I had for the past two nights, which struck me as very peculiar because I wasn't even pondering about it the day after the first dream.

The dream starts off in my room, at night. The family's outside watching tv/at the computer and everything's normal. I'm in my room with this rugged guy who looked something like a Japanese version of Sirius Black/Ashton Kutcher but leaner. He's trained in Shinjitsu, and apparently trying to help save my life.

He tells me that close to a bit after midnight, somebody is going to break into my room and try to capture me. The guy has orders to bring me to a lair by 5am, and kill nice-shinjitsu-guy by 6am. We prepare for the ambush.

Sure enough, past midnight the windows start rattling and I run to the living room. I hear the bad-guy chasing the good-shinjitsu-guy around the house at Edward Cullen-ish speeds. Bad-guy finds me, and starts throwing darts with poisonous vials attached to them. I freak out, and try to find cover crouching near to the base of the sofa. I thought of myself as very smart because then he'd have to lob them at a trajectory angle, which would give me more time to avoid them because he'd be unable to control the speed at which the darts come down at me, since they're subjected to gravity under free fall.

Suddenly the firing stops, and with a clatter and a rush of wind, the apartment feels emptier. I peer over the edge of the sofa and realise that both good- and bad-guy have vanished, leaving behind only the headband of good-shinjitsu-guy behind. If he had been overpowered, means that he was at the mercy of whoever who wanted to kill him! I was horribly upset and started breaking down.

Just then, another good-guy-friend appeared. He was clad in a dusty brown cape, reminiscent of Dustfinger (from the Inkheart trilogy). He tells me that we have to save good-shinjitsu-guy. I didn't need much convincing, so we plunged out into the darkness of the night and our adventure begins.

Across a street corner, our path ends with a lone lamp post, and we're forced to enter the water. With the apprehension of stepping into unknown depths (akin to what Harry felt when he had to cross the water to get to Voldemort's horcrux in the cave), I steeled myself with resolve and told myself it had to be done, for good-shinjitsu-guy who saved my life. Together with dustfinger-guy, we plunged into the water.

At this point, I remember pressing the ";" key to activate the Stealth skill (that key's what my brother allocated the Stealth skill of his battle mage to hahaha), and I was disillusioned (HP reference) and could breath and see better underwater. It was a ghost city underneath, like those N.Korea ghost towns. Fully lit, but devoid of inhabitation. Creepy, but we soldiered on.

Oh I've yet to mention. When the street ended, we were standing on what looked like the bend before turning into Goodman Road (the walk in from bus 12's stop). We had to swim the whole length of what looked very suspiciously like CCHMS's ornate buildings to reach those towering gates. To be objectively honest, CCHMS was indeed capable of looking menacing at night during those nightwalks.

We reached the gates and we had so little time to spare! It was 4.28am and my heart was pounding really hard. Plan was for this to happen: I give myself up to the mastermind, giving dustfinger-guy enough time to snoop around and rescue good-shinjitsu-guy.

I surfaced, and revealed myself. I was brought to the mastermind, who now on hindsight, really reminded me of Galbatorix-Basta (inkheart again). At this point it was somewhat like good vs evil of Harry vs Voldemort. Red vs Green. Light vs Dark. Eragon vs Galbatorix.

Climax of the story (which I am really quite ashamed to reveal, but I should to preserve the integrity of the tale): I was such a coward. I wanted to preserve my life, so I gave in to the wishes of Basta-mastermind. I became his puppet on strings. I told myself it was to buy more time for dustfinger-guy to save good-shinjitsu-guy, but deep down I knew it was really done to save my life. Why, am I really so cowardly?????????? :(

2011-12-20T01:27:00.001+08:00

I'm marrying this guy. Why not nowwww.

Stupid

2011-12-18T13:51:00.002+08:00

My mind is degrading into oblivion. All I've done for the past few weeks is just to go out, spend money, eat and walk about. Nothing constructive done for my brain. Even all that job hunting and scholarship applications are just regurgitations and consolidations of my past achievements. Boring as hell.

Just read through my blog archives in another bit to sieve out events that are note-worthy, and I came across one of my GP essays: Can the transport of food over vast distances be justified? Written in preparation for the A levels, without a thesaurus, dictionary or any other reference material/examples. The standard of my language was supreme in comparison to the banal,subpar level it is at right now.

Hence the reason for this post. Stemming from the need to maintain my proficiency in the English language, I shall..........continue writing GP essays right here in this space. There're a few more essay plans that i've yet to put fully into paragraphs. Those will provide a reasonable starting point for my flaccid brain. When I run out of essay plans I can start writing essays from scratch again.

Tomorrow I'm going to read this post and go "oh god what have I promised myself this time", but one has to do what's got to be done. Such a heavy promise but I will make good on my word. I like writing and reading anyway.

Time to pack up my room, then drop by the library if there's time left to spare :)

Singhealth pharmacy scholarship

2011-12-16T00:31:00.001+08:00

Rushed through the full application in an hour, including finding referrals and consolidating various achievements. Madly panicked when I couldn't find certificates, or dates of events.

I now hereby promise that I will religiously record every happening on my blog, no matter how brief.

I will also be more organised, and will start my packing my room until it's immaculately ordered.

I'd never want to rush and risk an application like that again. I got off by a hair's breadth, and it is the largest risk I'd want to take for something that matters to me T.T post-As life is turning out to be harder than I thought.

NTU early app

2011-12-15T12:23:00.000+08:00

Doing this because I'm so worried that I'd never get into NUS Pharmacy because my performance for As was abysmal. I think I'd actually cry if I don't, to be frank. Toying with the idea of studying Chemistry as a backup.

Anyway as some sort of record, here are the top three achievements i entered into the system, in descending order of merit:

1. SYF 2011

Award: Silver

This involvement required great emotional resilience and discipline for self-directed improvement. I had to be focused even during practices after school ending at 9pm to keep the team on task. Despite our fatigue, I did not hesitate to offer (and receive) help, as teamwork was of paramount importance to the item. I tutored my peers during breaks in between dance practices, and juggled both my studies and the heavy commitments to dance practices. The disappointing subpar award taught me how hard work did not guarantee success, yet failure does not remotely lessen the joy of a fulfilling experience.

2. Swiss science immersion programme

The programme itinerary pedalled the opportunity to visit science facilities as the highlight of the trip, but through active involvement, my takeaway from the trip was greater than that. By initiating interaction with our Swiss peers, I could glean insights of the Swiss culture and education system through stories of my buddy’s personal experiences. Although we were given guided tours of various tourist attractions, the first-hand accounts of Swiss life brought to light how certain nuances not captured by the guide was only apparent upon greater introspection or participation.

3. OGL, PSL

As an OGL, I had to integrate freshmen from the 2011 batch into the Victorian community. While appearing spirited and ebullient, I still had to handle time management, communication amongst the OGLs and safety of my freshmen during games simultaneously to facilitate the smooth-flowing of the event. My enthusiasm to share the Victorian spirit proved to be a great ice breaker, and through sharing my experiences, I could form more personal relationships, even with freshmen who wanted to transfer out. Being a PSL subsequently required continual guidance of my freshmen even after the hype of Orientation died down.

300 word essay:
"Share an event or incident you have encountered personally and why and/or how it has affected you or is especially meaningful to you"

While out shopping, my mother and I realised that we were running late for a family gathering. While we were rushing over, she received a text from my aunt, informing us that she’d be late. Almost immediately, her fast trot slowed to a leisurely pace. Startled by the abrupt change in gait, I asked her:

“Aren’t we running late?”

To which her reply was: “It doesn’t matter, there’s somebody later than us.”

Make no mistake, I love my mother and I think she is one of the most brilliant women I know. I have always looked up to her since I was young, and aspired to be as great as her. Her actions were benchmarks for mine, and I worked towards them doggedly without taking a step back to examine them.

Now I have, and in the process, came to this revelation:

One can really be only as good as the person they are learning from.

My mother is a great woman, and she has taken care of us exceedingly well. I suppose self-preservation was the key to securing a stable life when she had to learn that life lesson, and hence she has tried to pass it on to her children through the mantra “It doesn’t matter as long as there is somebody behind you”.

It took me awhile to realise this, but it dawned on me that I wouldn’t like to live my life this way. This realisation challenged my reasons to blindly take my mother as my role model, emulating both her strengths and weaknesses (which were new to me).

Today, any benchmark I set for myself uses my expectations as a yardstick, instead of another person’s achievements. It is to myself that I owe this self-improvement, not to anybody else.

2011-12-14T01:14:00.002+08:00

No more hiding

2011-12-13T21:41:00.002+08:00

Things i will do the coming week:

- Jz's present
- USP application. Read up.
- NTU application.
- label all my blog posts accordingly
- pack up my room
- Buy silver marker and envelops for christmas gifts
- Go for peter gn's dance

From facebook

2011-12-13T11:50:00.008+08:00

A few days back I attended the personal statement writing workshop (useless thing), and it was brought to my awareness that it would do well for me to have a log of the things that happened in my past two years worthy of reflection.

(okay okayyyyy prom post coming up.)

The greatest misfortune is that i have no inclination of recording day-to-day events in my blog.

Now as im applying for NTU's early admission (oh god so screwed the deadline is on thursday and I'm going out today and tomorrow), there is a rising tidal wave of panic because im compelled to list out achievements in a chronological order.

Hence the reason for this largely summative post of what has happened so far in my VJ years. Not complete right now, but i'll continue editing.

-

2010
Orientation, mass dance @ suntec, cross country

Chinese lessons

JTS

Dance concert, dance dinner, teachers' day performance

CCHMS's speech day

AQUAMAMA

2011
RHEA, Solaris2011, R6, OG dinner, OG chalet

Valentines

SYF

Switzerland

Dance farewell

Prom

Birthdays! throughout 2010-2011

There we have it, major events in my VJ life, sans the smattering of outings with the class and dancers. Maybe i'd add them in some time.

Micropost

2011-12-12T11:42:00.002+08:00

Everybody thinks that their gay guy friend would make a great boyfriend??

Jz is as gay as can be and I can attest that the statement above is true.

Colours in the wind

2011-12-12T10:23:00.002+08:00

Some days I have these great dreams of nothing at all. Dreams of great love, sadness, joy, then loss. They leave me waking up feeling really confused in the morning, but not particularly ecstatic or troubled. In the past, those feelings used to stick with me for the rest of the day but now I find myself waking up desensitised and quite numb to these extreme feelings.

It scares me. Is this part of growing up, losing your capacity to dream and feel? If so, then it'll be a great pity to grow up.

Ago

2011-12-07T21:50:00.001+08:00

During those Chung Cheng years when my dad'll pick me up after school, we'd go home via ECP and pass by VJ. It soon became a familiar sight, the basketball and tennis courts.

We just drove by again tonight. I've wanted so much to get in, then I've spent two happy years there and now I'm out. It didn't seem very long ago that I've looked at that place with only a longing. Now there's a simmer of fondness too :)

Blue sky blue sea!

2011-12-07T09:54:00.003+08:00

This is Lang Tengah beach of Kuala Terengganu:

Right the pictures aren't of the same size because I got them off google, but look at the sea! In Malaysia! :-0

Watched a pretty good movie yesterday while at Jz's, called Love You You, which was filmed on this beach. Talked about visiting it somewhere in March when its emptier without the holiday crowd! Maybe February. It'll be really great if it happens!!!! :)

2011-11-29T19:05:00.000+08:00

Beyond sexy

Braids

2011-11-29T09:35:00.001+08:00

Yesterday I dreamt of braids! Three kinds: alcoholic, aldehydic and ketoic. They had a single oxygen atom woven into different parts of the braid. It took the form of a pearl, but you know in dreams, you somehow know what stuff are supposed to be? I liked the aldehydic/ketoic braid the best. Curiously they all portrayed ethers on hindsight, though it didn't occur to me when I was dreaming about it hahaha. The dream had three columns, one for each kind of braid. Within each column there were different designs, structural isomers if you will. That was exactly what I drew for the structural isomers question in paper 2 hahaha.

Chem P1 today! At 2pm. I'm in school at 9.30 because I asked my dad to send me, thinking that I'd study in school. But lo and behold I left my data booklet at home so I'm languishing uselessly in the library right now. And the j1s are dancing with Andy, I miss everything about that :(

Fantasy II

2011-11-23T16:57:00.001+08:00

Since i'm waiting for my dad with nothing to do and school's as empty as a ghost town, I'll continue with my Eragon entry.

H3 WAS SO UNREASONABLY DIFFICULT!!!!!!!

(Fumes of sulfuric acid billow and I release some HCl so the place stinks of rotten eggs)

BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MY MOOD IS RIGHT NOW. FOUL AND FURIOUS.

Bloody Cambridge out to screw us up this year. Math, Chem, Bio P3, econs and GP were all so weird and now this?!?!?!??????? Beyond irritated urgh. Maybe I'm just not good enough but point is, WHY IS EVERY SINGLE PAPER'S DIFFICULTY UPPED IN THE SAME YEAR?!?

I'm halfway swaying between 'don't worry be happy', and 'oh god im screwed' right now.

I would honestly expect
GP C
Bio B
Chem A
Math A
Econs C
H3 Merit.

We'll know next march but in the mean time, SCREW YOU CAMBRIDGE.

Garden

2011-11-23T00:45:00.001+08:00

I love this space, and would tend to it just as I would tend to a garden. Sometimes exceedingly carefully and sometimes a little slipshod, but I'll always be back to browse through it's contents.

I like reading my own writing, however childish, immature or awkward. It's in a very distinct style of writing that resonates with my mind, and it just feels right. Many other authors are great and their words are so beautiful but they just don't sound the same. The better ones are fluid, the ones that are worse sound a tad dissonant. When I read my own writing, whatever the content, I can relate to it. The lines of words open up, and I can remember every single nuance of the situation I was trying to capture in the post. However limited my vocabulary or awkward my grammar, it's just a language that I can understand. Even so when it was just an unassuming description of an inanimate object.

And hence the reason for the sporadic and relatively dotted datings of my posts. Ever since I've stopped blogging just for the sake of blogging, the content has grown much richer and I like plying apart entries that were made several years back. They definitely make me cringe at my immaturity (as sure as I will cringe at this post some time into the future), but I guess this is all part of what was meant to be. Grow up, lose some. For better and for worse.

Every single post has a meaning. Choosing to leave out an introduction, to leave the entry hanging, or to structure one impeccably, they all mean something and I remember what. Each post crafted with an intention, and every flaw was as pointedly planted as every other ornamental red herring. Even when unconsciously done. But it was, and looking back, I know what, why, and how.

Fantasy

2011-11-23T00:04:00.001+08:00

The thing with me, is that I get very absorbed into the stories I'm reading, and draw exaggerated parallels with reality.

I read Inheritance today, and tomorrow's my H3 paper.

It feels like I'm going to war, just like Eragon did. And I'm going in with the one thing that I'm good at, like how Eragon fights with Saphira.

It's been a year-long journey with chem, full of inconsequential papers of H2, school exams, and tests. Like Eragon, he had many many battles fought with increasing difficulty, from the Burning Plains, to Dras-Leona to Belatona. And tired and weary, he reaches Uru'baen! I'm exhilarated and scared, as he was!

When I realised I could take H3, I was elated and wary, probably how Eragon felt with Saphira hatched for him. I never thought I would make it! These are genuine words. Like how Eragon never thought he'd become a Rider one day, young farmboy of Palancar Valley.

Sure as Eragon got so badly blistered from initial flights on Saphira without his saddle, H3 has been tough enough. Having to balance J2 rigour with syf practices, 3rd period pe (rolls eyes here) and deciphering spectrograms after all that activity gave me such throbbing headaches. It was satisfying to a certain point admittedly, knowing that my brain was being worked.

Though Saphira he's become so much stronger and wiser and more capable. It's exactly what going through the H3 syllabus has gave me. I read voraciously on reagents and mechanisms on wikipedia now- something I never thought would one day become of me haha.

And it's tomorrow, the final paper!!! Feeling as nervous as Eragon right now, but at this juncture there's no more turning back! Eragon was victorious though a sheer stroke of luck. My skills are probably nowhere up for an A, as much as how Eragon could not have hoped to defeat Galbatorix alone. I can barely do NMR spectroscopy elucidations oh the shame. But it's okay, Eragon has Saphira and I have all the chem knowledge I amassed over the past year. Inadequate, but to the best of my abilities.

May luck be with me tomorrow! As it had been with Eragon! The fantasy shall continue tomorrow, with the outcome of my paper hahaha. Either I move on to embrace a life of chem as Eragon has with dragons, or if I fail, I fall like Queen Islanzadi in full honour, but of a waste that such a magical journey had a premature end.

"It matters to this one"

2011-11-19T12:50:00.002+08:00

An old man walked across the beach until he came across a young boy throwing something into the breaking waves. Upon closer inspection, the old man could see that the boy was tossing stranded starfish from the sandy beach, back into the ocean.

“What are you doing, young man?” He asked.

“If the starfish are still on the beach when the sun rises, they will die,” the boy answered.

“That is ridiculous. There are thousands of miles of beach and millions of starfish. It doesn’t matter how many you throw in; you can’t make a difference.”

“It matters to this one,” the boy said as he threw another starfish into the waves. “And it matters to this one too.”

Messed up

2011-11-19T11:50:00.002+08:00

This space is starting to look really trashy. Snippets of absolutely unrelated posts with the content but no packaging. Its probably the best i can come up with right now. I'm not even studying actually, its just that overwhelming feeling of guilt that prevents me from doing anything else but studying, or pretending to study.

I'm unbelievably useless ahhh. Floods of emails/snail mail coming in to tell me to sign up for this and that and this, and I'm just wallowing in mild despair because I'm not going to be able to get the grades to prove anything la.

Damn. Half of the papers I've done so far are going to yield uncertain results and as for GP, that was so so so so bad. Its one thing to be radical and another to do it in an exam. The only consolation would be that it really was my best, and I wouldn't have been able to write anything for any other question. I could have gone with the flow and churn out a horribly generic essay, but no, what did i have to do? Write out an impressive pile of opinions and skewed viewpoints that is now on a plane on its way to get judged by a bunch of stuffy old professors. And my grade hangs on their take on my essay, while it was in my power to write a boring one and bore them to tears and force my A out of them.

I guess this is it though. Whats done is done, and theres no looking back. The As feel different in the sense that it's going to be the very last time i'm put through a national exam like this. After each paper for the Os it just seems like a short pause before more in JC. This doesn't feel like that. Its like with each paper i'm snipping away the strings left to this form of education. Structured and oppressive and really really competitive.

I guess i like the way that its done. Which explains my slightly disconcerting apprehension for the life after As. On one hand it surely will feel very good- liberating in fact- to get out and study what i really really really want (and i really look forward to studying. I wouldn't even mind living the life of an academic. I love studying, just not forcing knowledge out meaninglessly like this in exams), and on the other hand........

I don't know how to put it into words exactly, but its a very distinct feeling. Its not apprehension, nor worry, nor hesitation..........I don't know what it is exactly but its that feeling. The one you get when the wheels of the roller coaster click off the pully system that brings you up the slope.

I'm still undecided on how to spend my post As. I can see why the social circles of the middle aged dwindle. Former friends stuck together seeing each other everyday at school fan out and go into their own fields. Their own schedules, their own commitments. Its really difficult to put on hold yours, only to find that you've missed out on something good just waiting for a friend that never really did make time for you. Then people grow more selfish, putting their commitments before making time for their friends, inadvertenly pushing the health of the relationship to the backseat. Compromises are so difficult, especially for people who aren't willing to relent.

But its okay! One day, one step at a time. Leave this to the future me to worry about. I'm happy today because i get to study for H3 and this is such a refreshing break from boring old econs. I'm such a nerd but i love being one!

2011-11-14T22:42:00.002+08:00

I LOVE this guy, so so so much! Might just pounce on him after As, because I haven't seen him in so long.

2011-11-14T18:12:00.001+08:00

The Sin of Omission

2011-11-12T11:09:00.002+08:00

By Margaret E. Sangster

It isn't the thing you do, dear,
It's the things you leave undone
That gives you a bit of a heartache
At the setting of the sun.
The tender word forgotten
The letter you did not write
The flowers you did not send, dear
Are your haunting ghosts at night.

For life is all too short, dear
And sorrow is all too great
To suffer our slow compassion
That tarried until too late.
And it isn't the thing that you do, dear
It's the things you leave undone
Which gives a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.

GP: "Education divides, rather than unites, society." Comment.

2011-11-06T19:05:00.003+08:00

Today's society has evolved to a point where the lines between country, society and culture are blurred. It is increasingly difficult to draw the distinction with the mushrooming of new trends such as shifting paradigms of state-run education programs, family structures, and mind sets of people, just to name a few. Unfortunately, education has largely remained backward in new times, as a result causing the division of the masses instead of unification. Although it remains the bedrock of a stable society, education today has empowered people in other ways such that people no longer all sing the same tune. Despite being a bitter pill to swallow, we have to face up to reality and acknowledge the fact that outcomes of education toady diverges from that in the past.

Education today does not merely consist of the passing on of knowledge. Driven by demands of the market, many (if not all) state-run providers of education have been compelled to provide tangible qualifications as certification of an individual’s progress in the pursuits of education. These papers can be used for entry into institutes of higher learning, or to secure a job in society. Such qualifications are reflective of one's level of education, and there trends to be a direct correlation between the prestige of the qualifications and the remunerations of the job. Superficially, what receiving an education has done here is to mark out an individual’s perceived worth in the labour market. It is no surprise that some individuals fare better than others in terms of academic pursuits, setting the stage for a better chance in securing a high-paying job than those who do not fare as well. This stratifying of individuals based on academic merit appears harmless, making it vital to point out the fact that individuals tend to tie their self-worth to their performances and recognition in society. Education divides society, only because society places such a big emphasis on the individual’s performance while receiving an education.

Apart from affective individuals, the effects of receiving an education transcends generations, making the idealistic notion of education as a unifying force more chimerical. This is achieved in many ways, such as parents who have received higher education realising the importance of education, being more supportive in their children’s academic pursuits, or parents paving the way for their children by using their influence to get their children into a good school. These phenomena are by no means a hypothetical scenario: there is a wide array of studies showing how children of parents who received a higher education more likely to receive one themselves too, childbirth policies reflective of how children of educated parents fare better, and how children of alumni members of the school get preferential entry. All these factors serve as chaperones in culturing generations after generations of the academically elite with an early head start. Each generation does not start equal in the race fuelled by education as previously mentioned. They start on unequal footing, and as education further selects for certain people, the divide between the academically-successful and unsuccessful becomes so deeply rooted in society that it gets increasingly difficult to bring about a reversal to this trend.

However, education itself has its merits, which have to be duly recognized and lauded. Other than education of the head, the system has seen to it that individuals also receive an education for the heart. A common value system is instilled in every individual, especially so with governments across the world now playing a more active hand in moral ad sex education. With the majority having the same takeaways on what is appropriate behaviour, societal norms are cemented. This is an extremely unifying aspect that education has bestowed on society, especially in today's increasingly liberal world which is governed more by society's approval or disapproval than government legislation. The unanimous agreement on contentious issues propels the assurance that one is not sticking out like a sore thumb and fans the feel-good feeling of inclusion in the society.

Nevertheless, in the same way as there are always two sides to a coin, education of the heart divides as it unites in equal measure. The keystone of this paradox belongs to the trend that education is shifting away from rote learning and into higher order thinking that compels individuals to not blindly accept what is proffered to them. Given the subjective nature of moral or sex education, coupled with growing strength of independent thinking, education has provided a platform for the identification of differences between people/ Actualisation of the individual reduces the homogenous nature of society, which is the basis of how divides arise. It is crucial to note that division of society in this case is not distasteful-- It is less of discrimination that the discovery of differences between members of society.

As we objectively studied major trends that education has brought about in our society, it is easy to conclude that education divides rather than unites it. While regretful in certain cases, it certainly is not the cause for undue worry. In actual fact, as education divides society financially, it might help to remove inequity with governments that handle good transfer payment systems. While education retains nuances of its unifying effects on society, the scale tips towards the other end when education is coupled with our hunger for economic progress, tighter family units and opportunities for freedom of speech.

GP: Can the transport of food over vast distances be justified?

2011-11-06T12:50:00.004+08:00

Food, being essential to survival, is a basic human right. Choice, being a consequence of freedom and independence, is another. Put together, these two ingredients brew up a mean concoction of a strong outcry for the choice of food to be offered to an individual. New trends such as growing wealth and a shrinking globe has exacerbated problems brought forth by the increase in both quantity and variety of food, such as overconsumption or even rampant wastage. Technology has been touted as the silver bullet fix-all for mushrooming woes in light of this shifting attitude towards food, and rightly so. The benefits that it has brought us are largely able to reverse problems brought about by the widespread exchange of food across the globe.

Poverty today is one of the most pressing problems that humanity face, characterised by close to non-existent incomes which struggle to offer coverage of the most fundamental human needs. The north-south divide is indicative of how geographically separate the developed and developing countries are, and it is inevitable that given the geographical immobility of benefactors and beneficiaries of food aid, vast distances have to be covered for the transport of food to such regions.

Apart from physical scarcity of food that the developing countries face, physical scarcity of resources such as land required to produce food is also a pertinent problem. Landlocked countries such as Afghanistan or land-scarce countries like Taiwan or Hong Kong find it extremely unviable to produce food domestically, despite having the financial capacity to do so. Resources could be much better channelled to more efficient pursuits instead, which minimises opportunity costs. To illustrate this theory of Economics, an apt illustration would be the United States of America, who turned into a net importer instead of exporter of food recently. The entrepreneurial talent of Americans and their innovative edge would be put to much better use if they were spearheading developments in technology or more value-added services, despite having the land and resources to produce enough food to feed their people. Steve Jobs would never have had the chance to manufacture the iPhone which revolutionised the world, had he been stuck on a field with a buffalo ploughing land.

Yet, it is not new to us that forms of transport popular today have heavily unfavourable impacts on the environment. The increased recognition of problems regarding environmental degradation decries unnecessary transport of food over large distances, for fear of the impacts left on the environment. This is by no means crying wolf: drinking a bottle of imported water has the environmental equivalence of driving a car for one kilometre, and an inconspicuous kiwi has released an average of 12 times it weight in carbon emissions during the transporting process. The prevalence of cross-continent transport has been rising, with people brandishing wads of cash in demanding more exotic food for their palates. Tea leaves grown in India is prized in Europe, as are native North American herbs like oregano being sought after by Asian countries clamouring to become more westernized. In fact, premium prices of imported food have done little to quash the rising demand. Such superfluous transport has been falsely promoted by higher prices which consumers perceive to be a result of better quality, instead of the additional toll imposed for environmental damage.

In a bid to cater to this growing prevalence of transporting food, a whole new sector has sprung up to respond to the demands for keeping food fresh. At its helm are the engineers of genetically modified (GM) food. Through simple alterations to a tomato, the GM tomato is now able to prolong the ripening process and extend the freshness window: a vital consideration of fresh produce. Foods similar to the likes of the GM tomato have opened up a can of worms, bringing more ethical, social and environmental questions and problems to an already trouble-fraught world. Among the more pressing ones include growing inequity due to firms enjoying the privilege of patents, and the inability of manual farmers who are unable to hold their ground against mass producers with the cost advantage of being able to afford engineered seeds.

In essence, transport of food over vast distances has immediate merits (of better standards of living and efficiency in using resources), as well as peripheral benefits (from GM crop that are widely accepted due to their enhanced nutritional benefits). Although such transport may seem gratuitous and unnecessary, to condemn and restrict the transport of food across continents may be akin to throwing the baby out with the bathwater. The rate of technological improvements today has seen to it that the environment is getting its fair share of attention. A direct consequence of this macroeconomic consideration is that even though the act of transporting food is debilitating per se, the benefits brought about by this convenience is likely to eventually outweigh the cons in the future, even though it might not be as apparent now.

GP: "The book has no place in modern society." Discuss.

2011-11-05T22:07:00.005+08:00

Books are symbolic of learning, and the educated. For years now, having a home library was the luxury few could afford. The lucky few who had one were immeasurably proud of it, and rightly so. Today, not only are books beginning to lose the value that they once had in the eyes of Man, their place in society has been increasingly challenged by the newborns of the digital age. New trends such as the increasing pace of life, the accelerating rate at which new information is being pedalled forth, and the ubiquity of the effects of capitalism have driven people to become more efficient. The by-product of such phenomena is that Man is taken as its slave, and only the interests of the market are considered, instead of the individual. Unfortunately, this has dealt a severe blow to the significance of the book in modern society. All indicators seem to point out that the book is unworthy of its more efficient counterparts like the personal computer or tablet. Yet, the book holds a special place in our hearts: its final trump card. We should not be too quick to oust the book out of our lives even with the proliferation of suitable alternatives, for there is still indeed worth of the hard copy even in the frenzy of modern society.

Evolution seems to have taken mankind back to square one, where the modern man (like his ancestors thousands of years ago) worries about his next meal, appointment or payment. "Next" seems like the buzzword of modern society, with people constantly looking for the next opportunity. As the pace of everyday life picks up, libraries appear to be caught in a time warp. With each passing day, the library grows quieter, the librarians grow more ancient, and the library air grows staler. Fiction or non-fiction, the regressive state of the ultimate bookhouse is reflective of our attitudes to the book today. We have lesser time for reading, and people do not make time out of their schedule to read. The value of thumbing through pages of a book is superceded by the value of thumbing through the phone directory for the next cold call. Even with time to spare, alternative forms of entertainment are preferred, such as the movies or video games. Man has grown so accustomed to images flashing past their eyes, that their patience for following lines after lines of words have dwindled. The book today sits sadly on the shelf under the only blanket of dust that the harried whirlwind of modernisation has allowed to settle.

To add insult to injury, the book today is less able to hold its worth, which does not help when vying for the attention of its readers. The process of writing, ediiting, printing and publishing is so arduous and stretched out, that by the time such factual books are published, they are no longer eagerly anticipated. Other than the fact that digital media can publish the latest news a lot quicker, the rate at which new information is unearthed is so startling, that a book may be rendered obsolete even before publication. If it makes it through this hurdle, the struggle of finding buyers is immense, as few are willing to invest in something with a limited life span. With no demand, the book is hardpressed to even supply itself in modern society. Not only is it losing out in the fight for readership, it is not even given a fair chance to get itself noticed. This nature of its economic unsustainability is worsened as demand plunges in light of the flak that the book has received from environmental, tree-hugging, activists.

Despite the demands of the market that condemns the book to extinction, Man must hold its ground and prevent this from materialising. Although the market insists otherwise, the book has more merits than the market claims it to have. Books are testaments for the cultural progression of Man, and this make it especially vital that we see to the continuation of the book in modern society. This is even more pertinent as we struggle to find our roots and discover our heritage with tidal waves of globalisation. Books document our past, as it has all throughout history, in a relatively more permanent way as opposed to digital media. Apart from the content that it documents, the physical appearance matters too. From huge heavy books in stone (documenting the start of literacy) to papyrus scrolls (documenting the discovery of paper), to printed characters (documenting the invention of the printing press) to hand-sewn backbones (documenting how books were treasured), we follow the appearance of the book through time and gather that the book records part of our history, whether our predecessors were aware of it or not. Perhaps many years from now, future generations may walk into second-hand bookstores or libraries and go "oh look at the crisp pages of the books. They were probably never touched before. Grandpa probably hated books." Books capture a portion of history in its raw form, and by at least ensuring the continuity of the book, we can rest at ease knowing that the legend of the book did not die with our generation.

Men have always had a love affair with the hard copy. The vanilla smell of semi broken-down pages of old books tickles our nostrils and sends a spreading warmth through our extremities. Despite having no time for the book, most of us still appreciate the pages of a book under our fingers. Apart from sheer pleasure, we have a duty to see that the book survives the modern era even though it is a challenge to find merit in the capitalist market ruled by efficiency. Although the book today will have to jostle for a place in society instead of taking the reserved and irreplaceable place it used to enjoy, the book will eventually find one simply because we are obliged to provide it one. The book has an invaluable role in the progress of our society, and it would be wise for us to see to it that it remains this way.

Backstage

2011-11-03T13:38:00.001+08:00

Backstage is a wonderful place to be. It's the start of all dreams, and the anticipation of realising it. Backstage leaves no room for the contemplation of failure. Backstage demands that you believe in yourself, that you're capable of what you set out to achieve.

Backstage compiles all the collective fears you've ever had, and forces you to get rid of it. Granted, backstage is going to be the darkest place you've ever seen. No lights, the air swimming with fear, nerves tingling in your toes.

Yet in the midst of all the uncertainty, backstage is where you discover the reason you put yourself through this. It's where you drive dark thoughts out of yourself and leave only the shining ones.

Backstage is such a wonderful place to be, not because it is wonderful in itself, but it pushes you towards the most wonderful realisation. In adversity we find strength, which would otherwise be useless without the prospect of facing our fears.

Infatuation ah hahaha

2011-10-30T01:13:00.002+08:00

Jz is getting more attractive and sexier by the day ahhh I think I might just swallow him up whole after the As, why is he so good looking.

And he smells good too, and feels good, and is just a whole wonderful package hahaha

Have I mentioned how much I love that guy sigh

I'm only 18 but the thought of waking up to that guy every single morning for the rest of my life is very tempting already (cheesy beam)

Crack in glass

2011-10-28T22:14:00.001+08:00

Not all people are born with ambition, indeed some people live the rest of their lives aimlessly and without direction.

Some were born with it, but it slowly got broken out of them. Some when they were young, others as they grew older.

Some people search for the rest of their lives, but just aren't lucky enough. Some settle for menial substitutes and drive their lives down a dull dirt track.

But some find it eventually, through a stroke of sheer luck. The light at the end of the tunnel morphed from a hope, to a reality, then to the present.

And the very lucky, the luckiest in fact, the guiding arrow simply found them. Not too early, nor too late. And thus they were pointed down the right path exactly at the fork, and have been happy ever since :)

Que sera

2011-10-27T20:39:00.001+08:00

"When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, what will I be;
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me:

Que sera sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera,
What will be, will be."

Ballet

2011-10-26T23:45:00.001+08:00

I cannot fathom why people think ballerinas are weak. There's always this twang of annoyance and mild disapproval when I see pictures on tumblr with people in tutus slitting their wrists, or in pointe shoes with turned-in/sickled feet.

Okay la I'm bringing this up only because doing the previous post on weakness really riled me up. But this's still something that has bothered me for quite awhile already!

Ballet requires so much discipline. To stand still alone asks for opposing forces to be in balance. Your back has to be open but your ribs cannot stick out. You can't arch your back but you can't sit on your hips. Your legs have to be rotated, starting from the hips, coming from the inner thighs, through your ankles. And you have to do it right, it comes from your inner, not outer thighs. Your arms have to be supported from underneath, and you must have strength to hold it all the way through your elbows and wrists, to your fingers.

Ballet has taught me a lot. It showed me that there are actually benchmarks for perfection, and that perfection is achievable. Being pushed every single lesson by Ms Pang forced me to be disciplined, because it's the right thing to do. Slowly, you start answering to yourself instead of doing it for others; you start being perfect for yourself, not for others.

Ballet has taught me that individuals can have strength alone. Not everything has to be done in a duet or in a corps. And when you're dancing independently, you learn to rely on solely yourself to get you through.

Consequentially, discipline is such an integral part in ballet, that even a ballerina dancing in a corps is perfect. She answers to herself, as well as to the other dancers. She doesn't rely on others to get the show up, she has to put in her bit too. So very admirable, is the absence of people who slack off in a dance company.

Ballerinas are anything but weak. Sure all those exposed napes and fragility is misleading, but the ballerinas move on. They express sorrow, but they don't give up in the middle of acts. They die or sacrifice, but the just keep on going.

Nobody thinks that bodybuilders are weak, and rightly so. Ballerinas are every bit as accomplished as bodybuilders. An effortless act is born only from a concoction of time, effort and energy (as cliche as that sounds).

This opportunity to dance ballet is one of the greatest ones that I've been offered, and one that I treasure the most :)

Weakness

2011-10-26T23:04:00.001+08:00

I cant help it, I need an outlet for this. I don't like people who let their hearts rule their heads. It's not that bad if they're making rash decisions that would make them happy, what's really bad's the kind who indulge in self pity and claim that that's them. That is weakness that I cannot stand.

I don't harbour hate, but I do for distaste. You're gonna have to battle on harder and turn the tides. You cant sit back and say 'this is me, vulnerable and under attack. I'm sad, oh how sad and weak I am. And that's me.' The shame. Shame shame shame. How can anybody wallow in pity and live in denial, then self-loathe from a situation that they can very well get themselves out of?

I have my downs and setbacks too. But they're not me, my moods don't define who I am as a person. The set of values, and your beliefs do. Even if I believed that vulnerability is essential to a person, I'd accept that one day I might break down and cry. And only that. I'd not accept that i'd allow myself to stay stuck in that rut forever.

But vulnerability is something that I don't buy. That's probably one of my greatest weaknesses, I have pride too great to reveal my weakness, not to things that matter to me anyway, things that I take pride in doing. I can't stand weakness in others too. If others can stand up after a fall, why can't you?

Nothing's too hard to get back from. I don't judge based on the merit of the situation, for people have different capacities for setbacks. I judge the situation on how much it'll take of your inherent strength to get back up unaided. And that if you've conquered a similar obstacle before of not. Because if you have, then you have no reason to not do it again.

I cannot take weakness, of myself or others. If you're too weak, then be prepared to take the consequences. If you can't swallow them, then you jolly well grow stronger.

As with every post, this is for myself, writing as if nobody reads this space. This space has always been (and will always be) not for public viewing but a place for me to record my thoughts. And the very reason that it's not private, is that if it's fit for me to write it down, it should have enough moral standing for me to not be ashamed of sharing the issue.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to appear too hard hearted. It's just that the words come out harsher, because I have very resolute stands. I am extremely partial to the sweets in life, and then I'd sound very whimsical. It's just a matter of getting what you have off your chest, you know?

Okay an old dog (I was about to say puppy but affint's far from that) to lighten the mood. This is affint, a jack russell that's so docile she trots around without a leash. She quivers in thunderstorms, and she's very vulgar when she demands a belly rub :)

"Live each day as it if was your last"

2011-10-26T22:08:00.001+08:00

I was in the shower, then a thought struck me (you know how they always do when you're in the shower), so I rushed through the rest of my bath while the thought trickled away discreetly like sand through your fingers.

Okay this is what's left of it:

To live each day as if it was your last is something very stupid indeed. It isn't the same as living your life to the fullest, nor is it the same as the "live fast die young" mantra that some hippies live by.

Why would anybody want to live each day as if it was their last?? I would hate it. Everything would be rushed, I'd be trying to extract the essence out of everything I do, that I inevitably leave out fragments of it. The whole experience is what makes an activity enjoyable what, I'd hate to have to sample just the best of something, without having time to explore the other (albeit not as exciting) parts.

Living each day as if it was your last isn't the same as living life to the fullest. Everybody agrees that life has got it's ups and downs. Having too many good experiences in a short frame gets cloying. I would relish feeling a loss, or feeling upset every once in a while. At least it assures me that I'm capable of more than one emotion. Feeling happy alone is senseless, it's two dimensional and it'll eventually lose it's value if not granted the opportunity to be compared to something that's not as pleasant.

Live fast die young is different too. If I'm committed to living fast, I'd want to experience every single bit of life. If a normal lifespan looked like a sine curve, living fast would have the same curve, but with a greater amplitude and frequency but shorter wavelength (same energy you see, just compact). Living each day like it was my last would look like..............y=k where k is a positive real number. How stupid would your graph look hahaha so boring.

Alright tata, time to do some work.
Win the battle and win the war!!!!!!!

GP#2 Abortion

2011-10-24T22:49:00.004+08:00

Okay here i have it, i'd do one on abortion first before going on to animal welfare, because its still fresh in my head.

So, I'm in favour of abortion in general, and i disagree to putting a ban on it.

There're many issues centering around abortion i've realised, but the first one that easily (and very conveniently) comes to mind, is that the foetus has the right to live, and that we do not have the right to deliberately terminate its life. It being the argument that many people have at the tip of their tongues, is of course extremely vulnerable to come under fire since its such a sweeping statement that has little rational thought to back it up.

Firstly i'd like to point out that i do not object to the proposition that the foetus has a right to live, but many confuse the foetus's right to live with the right to what is needed to sustain life (which it does not have). That right remains solely under the authority of the mother. In events when interests clash and the mother wishes for a termination of a pregnancy, it should be allowed given that the mother is full aware that she is exercising her right over the foetus's, hence making abortion a morally permissible act, although its moral desirability is questionable. Consider the various scenarios that an abortion might come into play:

1. The mother's life is in danger.
Save the mother, abort the child. To put it in a shallow way, without the mother the child cannot live anyway. From another perspective (ignoring the tangible aspect of the mother being a vessel of life for the foetus), this is a case of a doctrine of double effect. Pro-life proponents can be placated by this reasoning: the death of the foetus is merely the side effect of a medical treatment to save the mother's life. The mother has as much right to life as the foetus has.

2. Unwanted pregnancies.
(a) The mother took the risk of unprotected sex willingly.
I object to abortion here. The foetus shouldn't be made to suffer the consequences of the actions of the mother. The mother should take responsibiliy and carry the foetus to full term, followed by dutifully providing the child with a good life. Granted, the fact that the foetus still doesn't have the right to what is needed to sustain life, but in this case i feel that the somewhat irrational, but extremely moral, objections that society has towards abortion is very valid.

(b) The mother was impregnated unwillingly (eg. failed contraception, rape)
Go and abort. Not only will the birth of the child result in heavy disruptions to the mother's life due to its unplanned nature (think education, social life, career, financial aspects), it is unlikely that the mother will be physically and mentally prepared to provide the child with a life that it would otherwise deserve.

(c)Mental/physical disability in the foetus.
It is morally permissible to abort, given that it would likely affect the mental health of the mother. It gets trickier when the law has to take a stand on the issue. Legalising it will suggest that the disabled are of a lower value than healthy people, and the road is set towards an onslaught of discrimination. I.........have no take on this because i'm clueless.
Mental disabilities are interesting. While (again), morally permissible for the mother to call for an abortion, it would otherwise be rather selfish if the mother has got the resources to provide for a child with special needs. The mother would then be terminating the pregnancy for her convenience, hence implicitly degrading the sanctity of human life. Put it this way: if a mentally disabled person was blissfully unaware of the potential life that he could be having, given that he was always well taken care of, he wouldn't exactly be suffering--- the caretakers would.

So, the counter for all the points that i've raised thus far:
When talking about an issue on life, there isn't room for rational argument. Life shouldn't have a worth attached to it, and thinking about abortion in such an economical and calculated manner isn't right. There isn't a reason why, its just not right.

The sanctity of life has, and will always be, highly regarded. However instead of escaping from such a sticky issue by choosing to brush it over, there are many many practical stakes on the table that have to be adressed. I'm going to take such a pragmatic stand only because there'll be an immense impact on the life of the mother tied to this decision, which definitely cannot be dismissed lightly.

There're a few sides to abortion now that we've covered the main course, which i find quite interesting also hm.

1. Abortion is closely tied to gender equality.
Many societies have the generic stereotype that once a man has sown his wild oats, thats that, and the rest of the burden is left to the lady (ah pity i haven't read up on gender equality, because there're so many things tied to history that'll take too long to catch up on). To not legalise abortion is to not place women on an equal standing as men in the freedom of choice on the degree of responsibility they have for their progeny.

2. Laws are an unavoidable element of society. In trying to maximise welfare, some corners inevitabily have to be cut.
Bans remove the risk of being at the top of a slippery slope down to eugenics, but this puts many at risk by forcing them to use illegal methods. Then again, legalising indicates the state's approval for indiscriminate killings, which reduces people's respect for life.

Okay and lastly, peripheral issues on abortion that i'd not touch because i can't think of any convincing argument for them:
- Religion. God is our creator.
- How old should a foetus be before it is considered as a 'moral person'?
- To what extent is contraception abortion? (eg. the moring-after pill, intra-uterine devices)

All in all, i draw the line at aborting for convience, instead of aborting for legit reasons like prospective quality of lives (of both mother and child). The law has little to play in such a personal issue like this, so i say just do away with the ban, and legalise abortion. Doctors, in full honour of their ethical code, should be the main regulating body here, given that they are best aware of the personal circumstances of the patient, and that they are bound by their pledge of honour with the Hippocratic Oath.

GPGPGPGP.

2011-10-22T21:30:00.003+08:00

Zingles my brain is fried. I'd do the review on my stand about animal rights tomorrow. Followed by abortion, capital punishment, euthanasia, and maybe sport. So typical of GP essay topics, but i really feel like im writing a philosophy essay now. Its actually surprising how some of these arguments are so rooted in sound theoretical principles tha seem so abstract but is actually very applicable when in context.

Pray let my fluency in the English Language improve in time for GP.

Okay stuff that i picked up from today! Randomly from the top of my head, with no relevance to any issue at hand right now:

1. Inherent value of an object. That is to say an object should be viewed as an end in itself, and its value is not dependant on the value that it brings to others. (thats instrumental value)

2. Some supporters of animal rights are just annoying bagholes that make a lot of noise just for the sake of making it. Not to say that thats representive of all welfare/activist groups, but there're some people that make such irrational claims that its pointless to argue with them since they're fueled by emotional, irrational thinking and cannot be made to see sense. Stupid stupid stupid.

3. My mom is a woman of great principle and moral standing and i really look up to her. I hope i'd be like her one day hahaha. She's examplary in teaching us how to make morally sound decisions and live life without a guilty conscience.

Alrighties thats it for today. Tomorrow i'd go out to study though i don't really know where to go. School's closed on a Sunday, right??

2011-10-22T00:14:00.001+08:00

If you have to gnash your teeth, yank out your hair, pick at your nails, tremble with fear, cry tears of frustration, endure a panicky heart, nurse a throbbing head, whimper, scream, whine, snap,

Do it, but you have to carry on.

si è Bella

2011-10-18T23:42:00.003+08:00

Gioia was three. Her mamma loved her beyond all, Gioia had never been sad. She had never known her père, as her mam liked to call him. He was french, and he left nothing for Gioia but his slight lisp. Gioia inherited her tawny frazzled hair from her mamma in full glory, as well as that uneven orange skin. Mamma was italian.

Elementary school, mamma slicked up Gioia's mane into pigtails. It was too thick to go into one, so mamma had to give her two. Gioia thought she looked lovely, and was incredibly excited to get to school.

Later that night
"mamma, they laughed. I was too ugly.". Gioia didn't want to go back to school, but mamma cupped those little hands and looked into her eyes
:"si è Bella". Gioia went back to school.

Middle school, Gioia was excited. She'd learnt to speak English from elementary school, and she'd learnt to dress up. No more pigtails, Gioia was dressed smartly in a button-down shirt and culottes.

Later that night
"mamma, they laughed. I spoke funny." Gioia didn't want to go back to school, but mamma cupped those pen-callused hands and looked into her eyes
:"si è Bella". Gioia eventually returned to school.

High school, Gioia had learnt to live perfectly with her lisp. She'd mastered perfectly fluent conversational Italian, and had proven herself to be an amazing culinary connoiseur in french cruisine. Again, she went to school with renewed faith in hopes that high school will turn out just fine.

Later that night
"mamma, they laughed. I was too stupid." Gioia was failing her sciences, but not that it mattered. Everyone else was failing just as badly, but Gioia was picked on, all the same, as with all her life. Gioia didn't want to go back to school, but mamma told her
:"si è Bella. You're almost there, tesoro. You're almost there." Gioia had to believe her. Gioia returned, and completed high school with honours.

Gioia was at the airport, but her steps were heavy. Mamma didn't see it. Mamma thought her child was going off to Princeton and she was overwhelmed with pride. Her little bebe, made it so far.

Gioia reached the departure hall. A long hug ended with reluctance on both side, more from Gioia. Mamma didn't understand the reluctance, or the tears underneath those beautiful umber peepers. But Gioia did. A little while later, mamma was lost beyond the sea of flight passengers checking in.

Mamma never heard from Gioia ever again. Truth was, Gioia never returned back to school. In the third drawer under her loft-bunk, there was a note that mamma never thought to read.

The note said:

Mamma you lied. io non sono bella. You were wrong. But i love you ever so much.
Gioia.

Right there and then

2011-10-18T22:00:00.005+08:00

See that there? Thats perfection, it exists. And that i've felt it before, i've worked towards it before, and it really is something that can be reached.

If perfection exists then there isn't much room to work towards anything other than that. I'd get there one day.

-
There are some words that i refuse to use, like 'ameliorate'. You know, like its just not you to use it??

GP#1 Schools

2011-10-18T20:01:00.003+08:00

Today i was in the lift with an ITE guy. Initially i was just curious as to where he came from, so i glanced at his crest. An impression formed naturally after seeing that he was from ITE, albeit one that was teetering on the unfavourable end of the scale (I'm not being judgemental, its just that i've had enough of putting up with rowdy ITE people for 4 years on buses, to not let that cloud my judgement).

Thing is, given the impending monstrosity called the A levels, it has become startlingly apparent to me the selective nature of schools. We go to school equal, come out segregated depending on results. This happens multiple times, the fork branches out when we're 6, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, and finally uni, virtually once every two years.

Every two years, we recieve an appraisal. The educational system either tells us "yes you're in, move on to the next stage!" and the stakes get higher, or "I'm sorry you've been left behind. Continue languishing." So after multiple forks, your neighbour who entered the very same primary school as you could be heralding his achievements whereas you weep at your failures. Very interestingly, your failure might seem arbitrarily like his achievement.

It seems to almost be an unanimous agreement that this selective mechanism isn't good, and that such a hierarchal and rigid structure for our education system is doing more harm than good. I don't think so. If one's in school to be well read, then one has to accept that he might not be good in it.

I'd admit that its unfair of society to turn their noses up upon those who do not fair as well in formal education, but it is by no means a fault on the system per se. Such a system has done its job well, proving itself to be a very effective filter as to who is suited for the rigour of academic pursuits and who isn't. The school has done a great job on that.

Society (i speak largely of Singapore) however, just hasn't adequately realised, or acknowledged (whichever) the existence of schools other than those catering to formal education. Mama always says that perhaps the reason i have such chimerical and utopian views is because i haven't really felt what it's like to be left behind yet. I'd not dispute that, but if i really have to take a stand on this issue, i'd just say that one will never know his true capacity until subjected to setbacks.

The pecking order than the system slots individuals into is harsh. Skyrocketing levels of stress can be attributed to the system, but how can we possibly say that the system is bad because of that? By initially intending this function of the educational system (obtaining qualifications to aid the efficiency of job allocation by future employers), there is an implicit assumption that we prize this ranking over the joy of learning as one of the functions of education (otherwise we would have chosen a liberal system). And if this selective mechanism was chosen by us, then we have no right to stir up a fuss on the consequences of such an educational system.'

I know my last paragraph sounds shady, but i've yet to figure out a way to put my thoughts concisely into words. I'd edit this post when i do/.

/edit. There, I found what I meant to say, in today's papers. Check out the picture's second paragraph.

2011-10-17T14:00:00.002+08:00

"Happy endings aren't ever handed out, you've got to earn them."

“Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”

“We too should make ourselves empty, that the great soul of the universe may fill us with its breath.”

“Magic exists. Who can doubt it, when there are rainbows and wildflowers, the music of the wind and the silence of the stars? Anyone who has loved has been touched by magic. It is such a simple and such an extraordinary part of the lives we live.”

Period

2011-10-16T20:38:00.004+08:00

oh yeah by the way i found this on tumblr, and i just had to reblog it! Its the only ugly thing that i've ever reblogged hahaha.

Especially the last one, i get the last one a lot omg hahahahaha. Sheez this post just made my blog look horrible. The pictures are seriously so gaudy and just distasteful, check out how it clashes with the blog background hahaha.

"Do whatever it takes to touch the sky"

2011-10-16T20:20:00.002+08:00

"...is it any wonder that we've stopped dreaming of what can be? Of all the teachers I've had the privilege of speaking and working with in the last few years, I doubt that many of them can even now really dream of a different way, one that celebrates learning and connections and independence in the ways that many of those networked classrooms we see. They might be able to visualize it, but I don't think many see it as a potential reality in their classrooms, in their schools. There are too many reasons why it can't happen. Too many obstacles. Too little vision."

-Will Richardson

Okay haha i know the post title, picture and quote has got little relation to do with each other, but its what's on my mind right now, and in the exact order.

Sidetracking a bit, i met jz today and he said my hair looked good :))))

2011-10-16T00:48:00.002+08:00

No there are just some things that you don't say. Out of fear, out of pride. I wish you'd realise, but wishing is as far as I'd get.

Blue hole

2011-10-16T00:28:00.001+08:00

"Blue holes are roughly circular, steep-walled depressions, and so named for the dramatic contrast between the dark blue, deep waters of their depths and the lighter blue of the shallows around them. Their water circulation is poor, and they are commonly anoxic below a certain depth; this environment is unfavorable for most sea life, but nonetheless can support large numbers of bacteria."
-wiki

There's a place beyond the shoreline that only the brave ventures. Not everybody'll get there. It's not a matter of how much effort or willpower, it's just something intrinsic that not everybody possesses.

To be treading in open waters isn't a good thing nor is it bad, it's just the result of venturing into unchartered territory. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. We aren't all risk takers, I'm not.

The greatest composers or entrepreneurs or research scientists didn't come up with anything great by taking a tried-and-tested road. But for every one who's gamble paid off, there're hundreds of others who's names will never make it into big books.

I wonder how it's like to be out there. I haven't learnt how to swim enough, and neither have I amassed enough courage to take the plunge. There're so many things back on shore that I treasure and I'm not ready to give up. What on earth could possibly be out there, I wonder.

2011-10-14T10:04:00.002+08:00

Woke up today and you'd already left. Not without a trace; you left hazy memories that I'd not remember, but neither would I forget. You might just have snuck into my room in the dead of the night yesterday, and joined me under the covers while I was fast asleep. We might have gotten busy, which sort of explains my lethargy this morning. But I woke up happy :)

I, I say

2011-10-09T21:07:00.001+08:00

I hate writing from a first person pov urgh. It sounds so crude and opinionated. Just re-read the post I made about JK Rowling's video...........that was honestly an attempt to write in a more straightforward way, after all the feedback that I've received on my gp essays. It's just not me to write it that way.

2011-10-09T21:02:00.002+08:00

Miss ya :)

On failure.

2011-10-08T19:29:00.001+08:00

JK Rowling: The fringe benefits of failure | Video on TED.com

This woman with her speech, made me cry. She really is more than a celebrity in the literary world, she'd a gift with what she can bring to people. Literally and figuratively, the magic of her narrative series. The parallels to the real world is immense, and as the we transcend the superficial layer of the plot itself, its a treasure trove of life lessons underneath.

"Rock botton, became the solid foundation, on which I rebuilt my life"
This woman has such immense determination and fortitude, and i really really really really look up to her for it! Her insightfulness towards many issues regarding humanity is startling, and after listening to the speech she gave above, i am thoroughly convinced that only she could have given birth to the brainchild that is Harry Potter.

"Failure is the stripping away of anything more than the essential"
"The light at the end of the tunnel became a hope, instead of a reality"

Sigh what a brave woman.

-

"Your idea of failure might very well be somebody's idea of success"
This statement of hers opens up a two-way fork: to settle/contentment, and rejection of the notion of comparison. I take the latter. From a very individualistically-driven perspective, there really is no reason to stagnate at a point, just because you have achieved comparable proficiency. Compete with yourself, not others. As much as happiness comes from within, as opposed to the economics theory of positional goods (bbt haha), the drive for success should also come from within, and not from others.

Fear of failure vs desire for success.
Both factors driving one towards success play an integral role i guess. The former bestows the horsepower while the latter abstracts the pain from the process.
As Steve Jobs put it:"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. This ties in nicely with failure. While society now is ever so unforgiving of failure and so stingy with second chances, there is no other way (upon finding yourself knee deep in work sludge) to discover your calling but failure. Unless of course you're an exception that defies observed probability which suggests that the likelihood of being born with the calling like Ollivander is close to zero.

*

"Failure at some scale is inevitable unless you have lived so cautiously that you might not have lived at all"
If i have to learn, let it be from the failure of others. I concede that i am not one to throw my cautions to the wind, and i have not yet experienced real failure, but the day that i do, I'll take it with grace and move on. But the failure i have experienced is enough for me to know that i'd not want it again. The B for Chinese and the Silver for SYF still haunts me whenever i look at my T3A or report card on VCSD gahhhh.
Such is the fear for failure. I'd make the B up with a gleaming set of straight As for the A levels.

-

It does seem peculiar that I'm talking about Rowling today instead of Steve Jobs who has recently passed on. His story is no less amazing, and he really is such a wizard in his own right. But such is the way of things, that life is unfair, and he never got the chance to enjoy his well deserved success.

2011-09-28T18:40:00.002+08:00

Recognize that the very molecules that make up your body, the atoms that construct the molecules, are traceable to the crucibles that were once the centers of high mass stars that exploded their chemically rich guts into the galaxy, enriching pristine gas clouds with the chemistry of life. So that we are all connected to each other biologically, to the earth chemically and to the rest of the universe atomically. It’s not that we are better than the universe; we are part of the universe. We are in the universe and the universe is in us.

-Neil deGrasse Tyson

Dark nights.

2011-09-25T19:57:00.001+08:00

My thoughts just flashed back to 11 September 2008 hm. It was the 6th consecutive day that we were seeing each other. It was dark at night, and I probably looked like a mess but I managed to get out of the house anyway. Can't remember what excuse I gave my mom.

I had a ballet exam that day, and he had his exam for violin. We met at Tampines library.....just for the sake of seeing each other. And we were just friends then :)

Best of 24

2011-09-25T18:41:00.002+08:00

"I love knits"
"o.0 nipps?? I love nipps too!"
*rolls eyes* "I like them in white"
*:-0000* "sheep nipps?? That's greedy. They have 8. Or 10."

"oh look! A speed camera! You were travelling toooo slowly. Maybe at 0.002km/h"
"that's like this slow. What's 2 divided by 3600? About 2mm per minute. You'd be moving like this" *inches across the table*
"that's even after you've speeded up. Speeded. "

"去海!"
*glances incredulously* "去海?!"
"yeah, what! 去海!"
*looks at me like I was demented*
"it's 法海"
"oh. The side was camouflaging with the water background, I didn't see it! How I know it was fa1 hai"
"it's fa2 hai. Not 发财"
"........don't tell your mum please."

1/3!

2011-09-23T18:16:00.002+08:00

This guy here, is out of the world :) I've done more than I thought I would with him :)

Naked

2011-09-18T10:39:00.004+08:00

Wearing the loveliest ever fluff headband today, i'll complete this post before i go off to study for planning for the rest of the day.

I've been having a lot of naked dreams recently. Naked, and about birth, and sex.

"(...) then it symbolizes your unrestricted freedom. You have nothing to hide and are proud of who you are. The dream is about a new sense of honesty, openness, and a carefree nature."

"(...)symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. "

"(...)refers to the integration and merging of contrasting aspects of yourself. It represents psychological completion."

Nothing to do with sexual frustration or anything, I really just like to see things the way they really are, without tinted glasses, no matter how uncomfortable they cause me to feel. I don't really like to escape from reality i guess. I like the hard and cold truth.

This is about my black walnut wand (on pottermore, hee):

Less common than the standard walnut wand, that of black walnut seeks a master of good instincts and powerful insight. Black walnut is a very handsome wood, but not the easiest to master. It has one pronounced quirk, which is that it is abnormally attuned to inner conflict, and loses power dramatically if its possessor practises any form of self-deception. If the witch or wizard is unable or unwilling to be honest with themselves or others, the wand often fails to perform adequately and must be matched with a new owner if it is to regain its former prowess. Paired with a sincere, self-aware owner, however, it becomes one of the most loyal and impressive wands of all, with a particular flair in all kinds of charmwork.

That is just it, i don't like self deception. I could stare at you straight in the eyes with no shame, until you flinch away.

Goodbye, planning for now :)

2011-09-02T20:28:00.002+08:00

“You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive-
Merce Cunningham.”

Day before GP, again

2011-08-30T21:32:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow is my GP paper and im here as usual, though this time not to get opinionated (interestingly, i do have something i've been getting riled up over) but to produce a placated, pleasant and serene post hehehe.

Spent the day out with Jz at the airport. We did study! Then we had a good dinner, and had our usual conversations. It was good, conversations always flow so naturally with him. Talking about

oh dear bb my parents are back hahahaha.

We shouldnt be breeding or contesting pedigree dogs.

Kaleidoscope

2011-08-25T19:32:00.003+08:00

Close to 1 year ago when i got my first copy of the Kaleidoscope, I promised that some essay of mine will get in there eventually. Got my second copy today, a year later, and two of my essays are in it. One year ago i would have been so driven and motivated, actively seeking to improve my skills. Today i am just weary, heralding my achievement as something pleasant, but nothing exhilarating. Where has that motivation gone to, i wonder. Somewhere, somehow, we lose track of what we were seeking, ending up going through the paces out of habit. How disappointing.

Reading 2011's Kaleidoscope felt different though, different from reading 2010's copy. Essays inside are from my friends, people that i know but have never thought of reading their essays before. And its eye-opening, it is. One year ago reading essays of people who's names drew no inkling, it was yet just another above-average essay. Reading the essays today and putting a person behind the words made a whole world of difference.

Above all, it made me ponder. There are my friends, people who use the same crude language as we all do, producing an essay so coherent and cohesive you can't help but marvel at it. Having your name in the Kaleidoscope creates this impression that you're consistently amazing at GP, and it makes me panic. The amazing essays, from your friends, egg you to think on about how far in standard you actually are from them.

How.

How, how, how.

I really shouldn't be here, given that the prelims are what, 5 days away? Five.

Hang in there!

2011-08-14T20:26:00.004+08:00

"the dreams that you wish, will come true"~

Demented.

2011-08-14T16:51:00.004+08:00

I see you emanciated every single day now, emotionally, mentally and physically. You're a gaunt resemblance of your exuberant old self, whom i've recently come across while reading your old journals. You've dieted, and this has snipped away at the fortune across your frame, but neither was your mind spared. You're slightly bordering on insanity or depression right now, trapped in a spiral of guilt and purging.

You came with faith that you were able, but circumstances have proved you otherwise. With each passing failure, you grow more disheartened and lose your flamboyant old joy. Now you're left all skin and bones and no more within that once shone out of your. No more healthy, and this i speak of both your physical and mental health.

I knew you not too long ago but even my heart hurts for you. Come to think of it, im as helpless as you are because i don't know how to save you, at all.

You came in as an equal, but why are we so far apart right now?

2011-08-12T00:25:00.006+08:00

"Well it seems to me that the best relationships -the ones that last- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is...suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."

-Dana Scully (The X-Files)

Non-vague post!!!

2011-07-22T18:45:00.002+08:00

Relevant to my life right now:

2011-07-22T16:43:00.003+08:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/katieroseclausen/5725825808/in/photostream

I kind of not want to change that part of me. I'm a horrible person, yes, to people that i don't like. But i don't see whats wrong with that. I don't want to be nice to everybody, i don't really think i'd want to act what i don't feel. I like this feeling- small and shrewd. I won't get hurt because the people that i keep around me are only them whom i love. And who love me. Small, but enough. I'm not vulnerable because i don't open my heart to anybody. But if you matter enough to me, then i will./z

I won't emphatize with you right now, i'd pity you. But you self-inflict, and if you're not strong enough to take the consequences, then all you deserve at the most is pity. The more you try to push me away,......fine i'd just leave. Thats because i never loved you to begin with.

I'm a horrible person aren't I. But i love, and when i love, i am not.

edit/. This is bad and not the best of me, but i'm just going to have to let it out anyway, to know how i once was, ten years later.

Virtual/real.

2011-07-05T13:47:00.000+08:00

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me, you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours, but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers, but text instead of call because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u.” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear to care, but not too much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. There is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. In some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: you are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored? Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see. But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal, deliberate, and means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most importantly, it’s flawed. There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say,

“This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

— Ashton Kutcher

Laments.

2011-06-26T18:54:00.003+08:00

Once again, it is yet another day before the GP exam, and i am here to try to rid myself of any possible writer's block that i might face tomorrow. May i be blessed with fluid words and lucid thoughts and a very very unsweaty palm.

I miss the days of descriptive writing so much. Just describe, write and write and write of the most minute detail open to only the closest scrutiny. No opinions, or if there are any, no need to defend them. Undoubtedly i would admit that GP is a more practical skill to master but descriptive writing is just a joy, an outlet that one should have adequate mastery over, because where else will you be forced to quieten down and observe the lamina of a leaf or the tree amongst a forest.

Okay fine maybe i just don't have the mental stamina required to fight and produce a stand so resolute, it can't be swayed. Wtv la i like listening to different viewpoints and not commiting to one. Its not that i don't have my own opinion, but i've always thought that my views were too self conceited and narrow minded to be of any value.

Rant rant rant rant rant. I just want to have something to make me angry today, something that will spark a cloud of anger that fuels the unreason needed to hardheadedly bulldoze through a zillion arguments while your perspective remains tweaked from the tinted glasses you're looking out from.

But, nothing.

I don't feel the drive to write about Marriage or Family like what i've always written about. Neither about animals and the environment. Or sport, or celebrities. I've not been following up with all the tabloids anyway, neither is there anything really interesting recently to write about. Perhaps only about more dead bodies over and over again in our reservoirs. And stupid people talking about changing the reservoir. Like seriously?!?!?!

Ok this is quite good hahaha im working myself up into a frenzy. Maybe i'd write about the pains of the government hm. Its been an interesting election and i've learnt quite a lot from it. Or i can write about the education system and life's rat race. That'll be pretty good. We're all stuck in it right now anyway. Writing a meaningless GP essay, fed by meaningless teachers and since you are what you eat, we churn out useless essays full of crap that those meaningless teachers condemn. The school should really send the GP tutors to tuition or something. That'll do them some good.

Over the dining table later I am going to ask my parents to update me about what has been going on recently. The only newpaper i've touched in about a month was this morning, Lifestyle. And the only thing i've learnt was hm garfield learning how to care for cold cuts in the fridge hahaha that cute thing.

I'm a shadow of how i used to be in the past now huh. No dance, no social life and no control over the direction my studies are going in. Everything's on hold right now and this is probably the most misery i'd be in in a long, long time. I really can't wait for CTs to end!!!!!!!! And then its time to pick up the dregs of my life and stitch them back together to make a fabric strong enough that the rigours of A level preparation cannot tear apart.

As illustrative as my mind sounds like right now, it is but a yawning marshland filled with amoeba and plankton, the highest lifeform (which equals to my intellect) present at the moment. Life can't be like this, we all need balance for the trees to tower, the flowers to bloom. The gazelles to gambol and the skunk to snooze. People are ugly, which is why my short snippets of writings never contain them.

People are awkward and will never be as beautiful as how we were when we were left untouched. The progress of human intellegence has far outstripped the slow clamber of our ethical strongholds, which are now nothing but meaningless guildlines written down in black and white to guide the direction of technology. What it should be, as what it originally stemmed from, was the responsibility to act in the best intent for others, even when given the right to make the choice to act in the best intent for ourselves. To have ethics needing to be defined is totally self defeating, for they are just but something superficial that people claim they have, but in their bare ugly souls, sorely lack.

Humans should all be silenced. There is so much more to learn if we remove the meaningless chatter that we go through everyday. We'd learn to read the emotion in eyes, or the yearn in body language. And that'll be something you cannot hide, and humans will be cleaner again. So much music in silence, and enough melody in the pulse or the blink. Words have always been awkward anyway. Nobody sound nice when they speak, it is the idea behind the words that making it so distasteful. The same voice put into a song or packaged in a baby's squeal will be as beautiful as the gutteral snarl of a scavenging hyenah or the trumpet of a walrus. We take for granted the pleasing nature of the dulcets of the bluebird or the song of the dolphins, but who are we to say that the chatter of the lizard or the caw of a crow isn't too?

I always sound too lofty here, don't i. Too filled with ideals, too unwilling to accept that the world will never be as what i envision it to be. But what harm is there in a little indulgence, to escape from the crude and unpolished offerings of the world we live in? It does sound like escapism actually, but that is just yet another ugly part of the world. I will end off by saying "so what? I am just yet another person among the billions of people in the world. Escaping into virtualism isn't going to make a difference because I am just me anyway, and I can't make a difference. Why pressure myself into seeing the ugliness of life everyday?" We all don't care. Too self conceited to try to remove this sense of separation. We are the world, but we refuse to shoulder the burdens that we rightly should. And therein lies the root of all problems like the lack of environmental conservation, and global warming.

Maybe my gazelles and skunks should just remain in the recesses of my brain where they'll be safe. Virtual, but safe.

Iz true

2011-06-26T12:31:00.002+08:00

You're gotta learn to get to know yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself for who you are, complete with your flaws. Accept that your flaws are part of who you are and reason why you'll never be perfect, but do not slide into complacency and leave them be. Always push yourself, higher faster better, for yourself. Self centric, but thats where your growth really stems from.

Be your own man, somebody you can count on. You've always got yourself and if all else fails, you've got yourself to comfort, too. You've got to be sure of what you want before you can go out there and get it. And you've got to be sure of yourself, your values and what you would stand up for, or risk getting washed away, carried along aimlessly where the tides and trends wash you to.

Accept that some of your opinions may not be approved, but it is what you think of yourself that matters. Never be ashamed of yourself, or your opinions. If you've thought it through and decided that that is the best way to roll, stick with it. But leave space for acknowledging that you do not have an all-encompassing view. You'd never be always right and flawless, so be ready to take criticism and learn from them.

Live for yourself and not for others. After all, who else could we possibly live for? Love yourself before you can love others. You've got to be independant before you're ready to offer something to somebody else, instead of leeching off their lives. Nobody likes a burden, so its up to yourself to carry your own weight, on your own two feet. Too heavy for you? Don't cut back on who you're meant to be, but instead grow stronger so that you can shoulder the consequences of your actions. Voice out your opinions and don't shrink back into the shadows. Being a wallflower is not good, yet neither should you clamour to claim the spotlight.

No leaning, yet it doesn't mean you can't show signs of weakness. Why you shouldn't is only because you should have enough strenght to shoulder them/ x.

Sure, I'm good :)

2011-06-26T02:12:00.001+08:00

The things I write here are what I could tell anybody. Not my friends, not my parents, not jz. In full honesty I believe that nobody comes to this space and nobody bothers about it. I update infrequently, only when I have stuff to write about, which makes every post well, count. These posts aren't meant for anybody's eyes and are kind of written in my own language, most of them with implicit meanings that only I understand or can decipher. Maybe a few years down this space will serve as a useless recollection of my past because I'd not be able to recall what I went through that made me write such posts, but for now it really is a great medium to store my thoughts somewhere less transient than the recesses of my mind. A pensieve of sorts, if you wish. (sidetrack: POTTERMORE SOUNDS SO PROMISING!!!!!!)

Okay I am here today just to say:
......................i'd marry you, you know :)

Two birds made in flight;

2011-06-08T15:29:00.004+08:00

Curious, curious about you.

Am i?

2011-05-25T21:08:00.003+08:00

I am a fully-fledge introvert that has somewhat managed to overcome my inhibitions to a small extent, and can function relatively normally in social circles instead of withdrawing into the safety of my own mental sanctuary where i don't have to pander to social relations fraught with subtle string-pulling coming from all directions.

And then i'm a dancer.

It is an art form that is so unlike others, in my opinion. Dancing bares your soul and does not allow you to hide behind a curtain of what you want to be perceived as. No matter how hard you try, styles of another person cannot be replicated, nor can you fully suppress your true nature. Versatility in a dancer still carries tinge of his true self, which transcends all genres to make the person behind the dancer inherently identifiable.

Because dancers show so much of themselves so often, it is not hard to imagine that they close up more than usual when they're not dancing. Dancing is like stripping flesh and skin away only to reveal yourself in full nakedness. Nothing to conceal your flaws or bar your strengths from shining through. Everybody around you sees that regardless of whether you want them to or not. Its a trade-off and one cannot exist without the other- the pure abandon of your body and mind to the dance, and your privacy.

Dancing forces one to see themselves without tinted glasses. Mirrors force you to see who you are, and what you are like. Either a dancer remains in self-denial, or they undergo the painful realisation which preempts a transformation into somebody even better, even stronger. To improve, dancers are constantly forced to re-evaluate themselves over and over again, and to be their harshest critic. It is of utmost importance for a dancer to have the strength of mind to face rejection and failure over and over again, without being defeated. For it is in this acknowledgement that they swallow their pride, and start again only to climb higher.

Dancing is a world so exclusive and entering it is akin to hurling yourself at challenges over and over again, with no respite. Either you're good enough, which gives you the strength to battle on towards higher peaks, or you eventually falter, and choose to exit this realm altogether. At every moment, there is always the choice you have to make: to quit or to continue. It is so difficult to quit because once you've tasted how it really is like to find your true self within all the hullabaloo and madness of life, it is so serene; it is finding solace in your temple of a body.

The fear of quitting stems from the knowledge that you'd be bowing out of this higher world altogether already. Quitting equals accepting that you've admitted defeat, that you're not strong enough to face your flaws and hence undeserving of the branding. Forever, you'd be watching from the sidelines as others shape their souls and flowers bloom or fireworks erupt, but each as beautiful as the other. Your potential bloom will always be encased in a carapace that you were too weak to crack.

I am afraid, for i am unwilling to look at myself in the eyes and accept my glaring flaws. I turn to other substitutes that i am better at like a massive escapade from something that i can run away forever from, but will never attain solace from knowing that i can achieve better. It is time, that i should find myself and be brave, for only then can i improve and move on. I know i will never be content from watching others get what i know i can, but will never have the chance to take a shot at if i don't overcome this hurdle.

Too much time has fallen between cracks and yes i have to work twice, thrice, quadruply hard if i am to get anywhere. I want, and therefore i will :)

Sleep would be so boring without dreams.

2011-05-21T21:34:00.004+08:00

Hockey finals!

2011-05-19T20:39:00.002+08:00

was so exhilarating!!!!!!!!! Good job to our Hockey girls, CHAMPS FOR NINTH YEAR RUNNING! i know your team song's There Can Be Miracles but really, you all don't really have all that much to fear, thats one mean feat ^^ AND THE BOYS AH GOOD JOB FIGHTING ALL THE WAY 'TIL THE VERY END AND NOT GIVING UP! that was so terribly impressive and you all really deserved all the cheers!

I wonder how it feels, standing in front of your supporters saying thank you :) I love being in VJ, i love the Victorian spirit. Please let it never get diluted. J1s please carry it on alright. Quite disheartening to see two guys in front of us stoning during our school cheers but oh well! Where else to find somewhere we can cheer our hearts out knowing that whatever the outcome, we'd all still be together in this and remain proud of the players' efforts.

SOCCERBOYS AND FLOORBALL BOYS, DO YOUR BEST ALRIGHT. And whatever happens, never give up! Play till the very end with your all and trust in us that you'll still be champions in our hearts. Whatever the outcome, WE'D BE THERE CHEERING AND HAVING FUN. There's more to us than just the outcome of a game! First class sportsmen gooooo vj, we'd never have to resort to underhand tactics because thats just too lowly.

Term 2!!!

2011-05-12T22:39:00.000+08:00

It's been a good run hasn't it :)

Post-SYF and looking back on the silver, it wasn't all that bad. Sure up till now there's a tinge of regret, disappointment and frustration but that actually makes the whole experience more memorable, more tangible. The sourness at the tip of your tongue. Breezing through to a gwh would have been so sweet and what a memorable way to end off our dance journey, but soon enough it'll soon be just shelved as one of our many triumphs. This pang of sadness evokes much stronger memories of how hard we trained, or cried. We relish the good times spent together so much more. We clutch at it even closer because it's what consoles us. And by and by, we find ourselves living the experience all over again.

The undeserving nature of it all was an added bonus. Now that we've watched ourselves and others have too, it's no more about how we're defined by that Silver, but how much more we shine out of it. Again, if art is so subjective, all that the performers can wish for is just for the audience to have enjoyed it. And they have. For that, it's how we have achieved something :)

http://bit.ly/jMAIOu

For the rest: VJ band, CO, MJ choir and for all those upset with this judging, look at it from a new perspective and feel better already :) we know we all have what it takes, and how we feel won't be dictated by some panel of judges. And congrats to all the others who clinched their awards!!!! :)

For sportsmen (this coming from an utter noob at sports), I really admire how you all pick yourselves up so quickly. The "we're sad but life goes on and next match we'd do better" attitude is amazing. When its time to let go, you just do it. And for the teams playing in their semis and finals soon, UP AND ON AND GET A FULL DAY. We'll celebrate through victory and for those falling short of it, having put in that effort is worth every bit of our respect.

I'd never forget how resounding the applause was after announcing our silver to the school :) being in Vj has given me a world of experiences that I have so much to be thankful for.

Whole of a half?

2011-05-05T19:54:00.002+08:00

Of blithe, careless days and cool, clear sunshine.
Bare-naked ladies, bare-naked minds.

“ You can go through life and make new friends every year - every month practically - but there was never any substitute for those friendships of childhood that survive into adult years. Those are the ones in which we are bound to one another with hoops of steel."
-Alexander McCall Smith

Introducing Sheri who like all my other childhood friends is very special in this way that i'm so thankful for, just as how i'm thankful for my other childhood friend Victoria in her own special way.

From eulaelie.wordpress:

"Dreams that scare me the most aren’t dreams filled with flying atrocities, chimaeras, nor are they dreams that are manisfestations of Ju-On’s lingering presence (urgh). As real as those dreams may be, they don’t…hurt. I’ve never been the sort to sleep well or sleep deep because I dream so much, way too much for my liking. I love dreaming though, don’t misunderstand me. They are like little perforations inside your brain, overflowing with little subconscious realizations that one should learn to grasp sooner or later. They give me greater insight into what I’m actually feeling and experiencing at the moment. Yet sometimes, I am at a lost of how I should feel about them. Too much of it is like a sudden onslaught of conflicting emotions."
-
"People automatically assume that if I’m alone, I’d be lonely."
-
"I can never find it in me to write about my life. It’s not that there isn’t anything interesting to write about; it’s the exposure that scares me. I know it prolly doesn’t even make sense but I just don’t want to let people know things sometimes…all the time. It’s probably through all these long/short abstract posts that you’ll get to glimpse at portions of what I’m going through (I guess)."
-

Half the time i'm reading the posts and wanting to scream out yes this is me too thank goodness for you that i can be sure understand and know how i feel.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

2011-05-05T19:27:00.002+08:00

We are what we think we are, aren't we?

Okay a little late but this has got to stop sigh please people around me who are all affected by this video especially those falling out of love, questioning their relationship or being apprehensive about what there is to come:

Why won't you have trust that things will work out fine, and stop second guessing yourself? If you believe things will go downhill from wherever you are, you start dreading it and it'll eventually turn out that way isn't it? I'm not asking you to live in delusion or something but it does not serve well to create problems out of something when there were initially none.

Think straight.

2011-05-03T17:48:00.001+08:00

Work while you work,
play while you play.
One thing each time,
that is the way.

All that you do,
do with your might.
For things done by half,
are not done right.

So much affection for you and only you.

2011-04-30T18:42:00.005+08:00

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away...

-Iannis to Pelagia, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

and nothing more painful too.

Beautiful things, so lovely i could cry. Weddings. The enchanted Disney castle. That daisy with dew. A quiet smile. A slender nape. A snoozing kitten. The naked female form. Simplicity and clean lines. Forever, which is why goodbyes are exceptionally painful for me.

Faith, and trust. There's nothing more ethereal than that, nothing more pristine, more effulgent. It's visible in the gazed shared between two in love, or in that phrase "i'd watch your back" between two friends. It is when your pet follows you despite being afraid, or when the bird you let out of the window flies back. It is that reassurance you feel when you know your love is halfway across the globe but still thinking of you. Or it can be the moment a child lets go of the float in the pool because you're there, like how they try to cycle the first time on a two-wheeler.

All things beautiful.

2011-04-29T22:36:00.004+08:00

Shoulders stiff and legs weary from a hard day's work, I stand a little behind your shoulder as you work on the door's locks. I hear our two dogs behind the door, scrabbling at the cracks. I can almost see their wet noses woffling as they scamper around in enthusiasm. It was my favourite time of the day, coming home to a warm yellow glow cast onto the couch where it has had one too many romps, while our collies bounce and tumble around.

You hold the door open for me and i pass through very gratefully. I can tell you've had a hell of a day too, worn out but ever so patient. Moments like this remind me of why i love you so very much, and why i've been with you all this while. I'm tired out, but pleasantly lucid and as always when around you, lively enough to keep spirits up. Its amazing how you're silent on some days, but i'd just chatter on and on and on. I don't even know where the things i talk about come from, but its one of those days today. I bustle around switching on the lights, and maybe the fan for you. Maybe loosening your tie, undoing your shirt. Or a glass of icy water.

You've not lifted a finger after you plopped down on the couch, and i know its going to be one hell of a time trying to get you up and moving again, at least to the bedroom lest i spend another night sleeping alone.

Okay you just went to the shower.

I love nights like these, when you're too tired out to try anything too rowdy. And you're cute this way, the way you look when you're concentrating hard on something, or simply just sprawled on the bed. To see you in such a candid and oblivious state brings back such good memories. From many years ago, the first time i saw you in such deep sleep i couldn't wake you up and you missed tuition as a result, so we ended up having dinner together. Or that time when you were stuck at home in bed because you were sick and your face just brightened up when i visited with lunch. Its been so many years since, and i've seen so much of you, more than what anybody else has seen of you, more than what anybody else has probably seen of their other half.

Its such a placid evening and you're making everything feel so comfortable. The initial spark's died down but what's left simmering is a slow warm love that i carry within me. It warms me on a lonely night when you're not around, or keeps me going when i see how people around me are unhappy in their relationships.

You exit the shower fresh and clean, how i like you the best. I'm still probably sitting somewhere in our room, maybe at the dressing table. You know how i hate getting on the bed when i'm not squeaky clean and bathed but you tackle me to the bed anyway. A little romp, a little playful struggle but every time you pull me back as i try to get away, it makes me beam. You know that i'd truly never leave, and all attempts are merely an extension of fishing for affection, which you gladly let me indulge in. As usual, we end up in a ball under the heap of duvets that you never, ever bother to make in the morning. Something pokes their nose under our covers curiously but you just push him out and pull the sheets down even lower. I can't help but laugh, seeing how much you value this private bit of stolen time.

Its hard, but i finally manage to extract myself from you. Hard more because of my unwillingness to leave than you unwilling to let me go, though you put up a commendable struggle every time. I pop into the shower and despite me taking the briefest one i could have, you're snoozing lightly when i'm done. I should have known, and sometimes i wonder that as i take out the massage oils, if you're just pretending to be asleep so that it'll earn you a back rub, or that you're so tired out you have no idea whats going on around you anymore.
-

"If you find someone you love in life, you must hang onto it, and look after it, and if you are lucky enough to find someone who loves you, then you must protect it."

I'm drunk on your love and 'til then, i guess i'd just have to live on fantasy.

Hesitations

2011-04-29T22:03:00.005+08:00

Kate is gorgeoussssssssssss. It was really simplicity at its best, understated but really elegant gown coupled with that sweet smile sigh its classic beauty.

How will life be eight years from now? Or even in the coming year? How will A levels be, how will life be after As when half my friends go off to ns? Will we still be as close, after we start making new friends in uni? Will we still have anything to share about our lives? Will they,..........forget me?

Will i be able to get into the uni course i want? Its a make or break it thing. What if i don't, will i wait a year. Will results day be a day of euphoria or a day of disappointment? Will i be able to get that scholarship? Study overseas maybe? I'd love a new change of surroundings, immerse myself in a new culture. But what if i end up staying overseas permanently? What if i come back, and the friends i've made in my uni years are reduced to no more than acquaintances? What'll happen to my life here, will my friends just move on without me?

How will i be in eight years, married? Unemployed? Working in a job of my dreams? volunteering with no more drive for making money? Comfortable in my own house by then? Maybe i'd be able to cook. Even cook for somebody to share dinner with. I'd have two collies. Maybe a little sausage dog too. All that i envisioned would come true, I'd go to bed every night with the person i could laze around all day. Maybe he'd be in a successful high flying career. Maybe he'd decide to enlist with the army. Or maybe he'll just end up in a business, like the rest of his family. How will life be, will we have time to luxuriously spend with each other?

Will i have bridesmaids, or will they be guys HAHA. Will my all time best friends have their happy relationships? Will sheri turn out a lesbian. Will i have a grand wedding, will it be on that special day? Will the world end in 2012 and i'd not be married before i die? Will i be pretty, will i be rich?

"Here's what she said to me".
-

So many things around me have been changing recently, and my heart really goes out to all of you all. For Junzhou i'd like to say thank you you're such a wonderful friend and so close to my heart. And for simply holding on even when times are just hard. Your stubbornness really sucks at times to be honest, but its really been so essential. I try so hard not to be volatile and while you don't try as hard, you're always the peacekeeper around here. I guess we knock the corners off each other, and it gets more mellow with time. Its been an amazing close to five and a half years and well i wouldn't say i can't consider life without you, only because life without you has never even crossed my mind before. You thought me that and really, it's been one of the best things that i've learnt to understand so far.

After a really long time

2011-04-20T22:34:00.004+08:00

Jz: "Heyy sorry i didn't reply for the whole day I was just pondering on whether i'm really boyfriend material and would I be able to keep you happy for the coming future."

Sucha sweet boy :)

"oh when you smile at me you know exactly what you do" -Everything, Michael Bublel

2011-04-16T18:10:00.004+08:00

Theres something about slutty sexy sleek dances that I appreciate so much more after syf2011. Its like how you can watch the dancer morph into somebody that's not them, as they dance out the character. Like magic, it all ends when the music stops. The dance's a whole new dimension to which it ceases to exist after the music ends.

Jeanine is amazing.

Then there's the latin dances, and songs. The tango with a sleek finish, the passionate samba, the flirty chacha, the seductive rhumba, there're all immensely bursting with their own character and i really wish i could master them all. Its such a treat going to electone every week and hearing songs like these, i could dance in my chair.

And my favourite of all:

There's just something different about seeing the best of the best put together :)I love how they're all having fun together but each of them is just outshining the other- burn brighter, fly higher.

Have to increase my capacity to take more. Have something else different within which emanates.

Up at midnight.

2011-04-16T00:18:00.002+08:00

I'm here at midnight, having some worry, some contentment and some apprehension swirling around in my head. Guess i should really go to bed soon before my mind wanders off to no-man's land again.

I really want my straight As for A levels so badly. With a distinction for H3. It sounds like such an intangible thing right now, and i have no idea if i'd be able to clinch it or not :-/ somehow having a perfect score for Os when i thought it was impossible just raised the bars, and now i'm expecting nothing less than a perfect cert next year.

A B for chinese, and an A for PW.

Barely there yet. I'd plaster that B somewhere prominent, as a painful reminder of how distasteful it is to fall short of something you thought you could achieve, by such a small margin.

Work hard Weeshan, push on and don't slacken off. And enjoy your time while at it.

I'm really so thankful for the friends i have with me around. For those that i've not seen in ages, i really want to keep you all close because this year i really realize how important you all are to me (better late than never right :-/). Victoria, Sheri, Sam, Hwee i promise i'd really make some time and hope that you're free when i am!

Its only April, and i've already had the most fulfilling year i've had in my life. Its when i'm actually doing something purposeful, productive, efficient and something that has a direction as to where i'm headed. So thankful for all the opportunities i have, and the fact that i thrive on being busy.

I won't neglect Jz though its gonna be soooooooo difficult because i feel like he's just another twitter timeline that barely responds but well, pull through and since he's probably having it harder than me,..............i'd be patient. Free reins for him!

Be good, i really have to.

Not enough, not enough

2011-04-07T19:57:00.004+08:00

PW results are out tomorrow morn! I wonder how it'll be. It was so much effort put in!!!!! I'd really be crossing my fingers yes and may the class do well :)

Jeslyn and I had this talk that really clicked just now: Not enough, never enough. Good, but always someone else out there better.

Shall push myself even harder, even higher from now on.

So starting today,

2011-04-05T19:31:00.002+08:00

Give up trying to be perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
Give up comparing yourself to others. – The only person you are competing against is yourself.
Give up dwelling on the past or worrying too much about the future. – Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. Don’t miss it.
Give up complaining. – Do something about it.
Give up holding grudges. – Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness.
Give up waiting. – What we don’t start today won’t be finished by tomorrow. Knowledge and intelligence are both useless without action.
Give up lying. – In the long-run the truth always reveals itself. Either you own up to your actions or your actions will ultimately own you.
Give up trying to avoid mistakes. – The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
Give up saying, “I can’t.” – As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”
Give up trying to be everything to everyone. – Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. Start small. Start now.
Give up thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
Give up setting small goals for yourself. – Many people set small goals because they’re afraid to fail. Ironically, setting these small goals is what makes them fail.
Give up trying to do everything by yourself. – You are the sum of the people you spend the most time with. If you work together, you will be far more capable and powerful than you ever could have been alone.
Give up buying things you don’t need. – Manage your money wisely so your money does not manage you. Do not spend to impress others. Do not live life trying to fool yourself into thinking wealth is measured in material objects.
Give up blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can live your dream life depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
Give up making mountains out of molehills. – One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years? If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
Give up trying to live up to the expectations of others. – Work on it for real and exceed your own expectations. Everything else will fall into place.
Give up the ‘easy street’ mentality. – There is too much emphasis on finding a ‘quick fix’ in today’s society. For example taking diet pills to lose weight instead of exercising and eating well. No amount of magic fairy dust replaces diligent, focused, hard work.
Give up making promises you can’t keep. – Don’t over-promise. Over-deliver on everything you do.
Give up letting your thoughts and feelings bottle up inside. – People are not mind readers. They will never know how you feel unless you tell them.
Give up beating around the bush. – Say what you mean and mean what you say. Communicate effectively.
Give up avoiding change. – However good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on. So embrace change and realize that change happens for a reason. It won’t always be easy or obvious at first, but in the end it will be worth it.
Give up your sense of entitlement. – Nobody is entitled to anything in this world. We are all equal. We breathe the same air. We get what we give. We get what we earn.
Give up waiting until the last minute. – Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.
Give up being dramatic. – Stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own.
Give up being anti-athletic. – Get your body moving! Simply take a long, relaxing walk or commit 30 minutes to an at-home exercise program.
Give up junk food. – You are what you eat.
Give up eating as a means of entertainment. – Don’t eat when you’re bored. Eat when you’re hungry.
Give up foolish habits that you know are foolish. – Don’t text and drive. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t smoke. Etc.
Give up relationships with people who bring you down. – Saying “no” to right people gives you the time and resources required to say “yes” to right opportunities. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.
Give up being shy. – Network with people. Meet new people. Ask questions. Introduce yourself.
Give up worrying about what others think of you. – Unless you’re trying to make a great first impression (job interview, first date, etc.), don’t let the opinions of others stand in your way. What they think and say about you isn’t important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
Give up trying to control everything. – Life is an unpredictable phenomenon. No matter how good or bad things seem right now, we can never be 100% certain what will happen next. So do you best with what’s in front of you and leave the rest to the powers above you.
Give up doing the same thing over and over again. – In order to grow, you must expand your horizons and break free of your comfort zone. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
Give up following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t find the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
Give up persistent multi-tasking. – Do one thing at a time and do it right.
Give up thinking others are luckier than you. – The harder you work, the luckier you will become.
Give up filling every waking moment with commitments and activities. – It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to do nothing sometimes. Think. Relax. Breathe. Be.
Give up making emotional decisions. – Don’t let your emotions trump your intelligence. Slow down and think things through before you make any life-changing decisions.
Give up doing the wrong things just because you can get away with it. – Just because you can get away with something doesn’t mean you should do it. Think bigger. Keep the end in mind. Do what you know in your heart is right.
Give up focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
Give up taking yourself so seriously. – Few others do anyway. So enjoy yourself and have a little fun while you can.
Give up spending your life working in a career field you’re notpassionate about. – Life is too short for such nonsense. The right career choice is based on one key point: Finding hard work you love doing. So if you catch yourself working hard and loving every minute of it, don’t stop. You’re on to something big. Because hard work ain’t hard when you concentrate on your passions.
Give up thinking about the things you don’t have. – Appreciate everything you do have. Many people aren’t so lucky.
Give up doubting others. – People who are determined do remarkable things. Remember, the one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
Give up fussing with every beauty product on the market. – Good looks attracts the eyes. Personality attracts the heart. Be proud to be you. That’s when you’re beautiful.
Give up trying to fit in. – Don’t mold yourself into someone you’re not. Be yourself. Oftentimes, the only reason they want you to fit in is that once you do they can ignore you and go about their business.
Give up trying to be different for the sake of being different. – Nonconformity for the sake of nonconformity is conformity. When people try too hard to be different, they usually end up being just like everyone else who is trying to be different. Once again, be yourself.
Give up trying to avoid risk. – There’s no such thing as ‘risk free.’ Everything you do or don’t do has an inherent risk.
Give up putting your own needs on the back burner. – Yes, help others, but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Judgements.

2011-04-02T21:00:00.002+08:00

(Okay hahaha actually there's an epilogue to the previous post.)

After all that drama, im actually puzzled by why there's a judging for performing arts in Singapore. No matter in what form, art is something very subjective and open to interpretation. Who is anybody to pass judgement on how good you are, that is impartial and free of bias? Art is something to be enjoyed, and not worked upon for a judging. This whole SYF thing should be a gala, a festival of performances that can be enjoyed by the public. Not a closed-door event, performed to a panel of judges. 'Launched on 18 July 1967 by President Yusof Ishak, it was a festival that involved 24,000 students from primary and secondary schools in a two-week celebration.' MOE's got it right the first time round. What happened?

A theme is justified, but interpretation of the theme should be open, not restricted to what a select group of people deem appropriate. No matter how high the qualifications or how experienced one is as a dancer, you can have an opinion on how seamless the choreography was, how technical the dancers were, or how stunning the performance was. Take care though, because you'd be crossing the line if you try to pass your opinion off as a judgement. "I did not like this dance" does not translate to "That was a bad dance".

The theme 'SYF – The Symphonic Canvas': 'In putting up the many performances for the SYF, students are encouraged to be creative in designing and conceptualising their performances and then work together as a team to achieve that artistic vision.'. Our dance was creative, it stood out from the others, it made an impression. We worked together, definitely. No matter how uncomfortable, we put our inhibitions aside and danced together to bring out what Andy had in mind. We were told that our dance was not "age-appropriate", but who are they do say anything about it? Dancers are actors. If we pulled it off, why find fault with it?

"Just as a canvas is to a visual artist, the SYF provides the broad open platform upon which our students’ expressions of creativity and teamwork are showcased.". The broad platform wasn't open enough, much to our chagrin. The panel of judges were too conservative, and that's all there is to say about it. Mrs Ting was right, we took a risk but it didn't pay off. Its time to come and try again next SYF.

How is the Singapore arts scene ever to develop and grow, if its being oppressed by such judging that inevitably steers the direction of how accepting and liberal our arts scene will be? If creativity is limited in this manner, who will dare to work out of the box? How will our community ever be receptive to alternative art forms if not slowly introduced to it, from a young age? How will foreign talent ever find the support in Singapore to bring us to the next level of appreciation?

(Quotes in italics are from MOE's SYF website.)

Silver.

2011-04-02T00:46:00.007+08:00

I'm proud to be a dancer. Out of all the performing arts, we're different. Our body's our instrument, and we work towards mastery of our body. Very often than not, its ironically our body that takes over when we're caught up in the dance, leaving very little room for any rational thought at all. We just want to, and because of that, we can.

Perfection is very rarely attainable, even with practice. When you're in control of something outside of your body, you're really in control. When you're using your body, something else takes control. No matter how intense the practice, how familiar the moves, there're so many things outside the sphere of our control. Different floorings, temperature, musculature, music, lightings, costumes, energy, luck.........there're nothing we can be too sure of.

Its different being a dancer. We dance with the skill of athletes but the grace of a performer. I'd be hard pressed to find a more physically demanding activity, much more than a sport. Nothing requires strength and control as much a dancer requires. Coupled with speed, precision, estimation, sharpness; there're a zillion things that a dancer has to consider and decide within barely a moment. To fall and go through it or to give it up this time? To make a dash for it or should the risk be taken? We're governed by the music, barely ever by our own pace. We're actors in our own right, to have to bring out the essence of a dance. We're performers who bear the pain with a smile on our faces. Genuine smiles though, never a facade because its true we enjoy our craft.

-

SYF day.

Pictures below are pictures of us in preparation, celebration and anticipation.

Preparation:

We've worked so hard. Practices many times a week, on Sunday, the whole of the holidays, after school, in the morning before school, anytime, all over the place. Jazz girls all got bruised knees. Victorian girls hit their heads many times. Goodness knows how many times our hearts leapt when we see Vanessa miss a step on Jiayi's shoulder. Amelia's knee, Yitong's ankle, Zun's back. Dreading clean ups. Waltzing with zun and never getting it. Mine, tessa, lorraine and vanessa's fouettes. 32 fouettes with Andy. Falling over our dresses the first time we stripped. Always missing Jas in the circle. Slut girls cringing. Guys being forever so neat. Mrs Ting's slut class. Guys doing handstand pushups to lift Felicia.

We've had so much fun while at it. Things became synonymous to syf. Deborah and the fans, lemon puffs, roses, heels, strapless bras. We lost the fear of dancing in heels and now we're proficient. We can fouette now. We tell each other to slut up now. Everybody can split! There're so many takeaways we had from dance. Everything but Thaipan.

Celebration:

Celebration started at UCC, even before the dance. We've made it so far, and even before dancing, we were confident. Confident of a good show because of everything that we've done so far. There was reason for celebration before the dance, because we knew that we've had no regrets. We had support of each other, our teachers, and the school. We made great friendships, learnt so much, and had great experiences. We weren't ashen faced before the dance unlike the other schools because we have already triumphed, in our own way.

The dance went well. After which, congratulations poured in, but we were shaken. Andy and Mrs Ting was pleased at us, and Yutaki applauded us. We gave our all but as with the nature of dance, unprecendented things happen. This dance cost us a lot. Yitong and Amelia were in a very bad shape, and for the rest of us, we were just uncertain. Things ended too quickly, and we had no idea how everything went. Still, it marked the end of watching our diets heh. We had a great dinner and ice cream at swensens later that night, courtesy of Mrs Ting! :)

Anticipation:

It was so nerve wrecking. There're so many adjectives i can use, but they're all failing me now. The dialogue before our results gave us many insights. It was supposed to be a general appraisal, but many of the comments were pointedly directed at us. It was terrible sitting there, hearing what the judges had to say.

And then: “Serial number 121, Victoria Junior College. Silver.” We were trembling so hard before that already. I had Mel and Rachel beside me and our hands were icy but we were grasping each other so hard. Before us were the J1s huddled in a row. They dissolved into tears the moment we heard the verdict, it really hit us so bad. Mel sat stunned in her seat, expressionless, for a full five minutes. My lip trembled. It was irrational but we cried so hard that day. The voice continued, rolling out other names and awards that barely registered, nor did we feel anything of. The session ended, people started filing out. I'd never ever forget that scene, not for a long time. Teachers, instructors, students-some with grim expressions, some with faces of rabid joy, all hushed up. Whispering started, 'VJ Dance, silver????' I heard the ridicule. Some had helpless faces, some had stunned faces, some had pitying faces. Most stared unabashedly. Strangers came over to put their hands on our shoulders, parents hurried over but couldn't do a thing but stand and watch. I hated the pitiful stares we got. We weren't crying because we fell short of gwh (or even gold for that matter) because we weren't good enough, we cried only because it was so undeserving.

We walked out. It barely needed a quick sweep across all the other faces to know that there wasn't a dry one left. Facing Andy was the worst. The only thing that was comforting was knowing that no matter how bad things were, we were together. Nobody looked into his eye, we didn't dare to. We knew he was disappointed too, it was his choreography getting judged after all, but he kept up a cheery face. Wonder how he's feeling now though. It was undeserving for him too, I've never ever learnt so much from a single person, ever. I'm really very thankful for him to be our instructor, and if i had the choice, i'd choose no one else.

Recovery:

I'm really thankful for the dancers, every single one of them. The IPs barely had a chance to celebrate their Gold because all of us were crying our hearts out, so they just stood there awkwardly and tried to inject a reassuring word or two. Sorry IPs you all deserve your due celebration, we're all really really happy that you all got Gold, and are very proud of you!!!! :) Shinn offered tissue paper. Char hugged us. The guys remained stoic and them being strong really gave us something to remain upbeat about. Mrs Ting cried, then threatened us, then told us we'd better be happy when back in school, then offered us a treat at swensens (which finally worked hahaha). We sang Rasa Sayang Hei, and made many jokes about the conservative judges and local arts scene, and congratulated each other on the end of our diets. The bus ride back grew more chattery, and as word started to get out that we got Silver, consolations started coming in. I've never heard anybody call me sexy so many times a day before. That kindda helped.

Back in school, we got off the bus with smiles on our faces. A few friends happened to be there and they had worry on their faces (Xiao Hui hahaha) from not knowing how upset we'd be. The way they broke into smiles of relief (from the potential drama and awkwardness averted) was priceless. We took pictures with Andy and laughed a little because everybody was back to their joking selves. Three cheers each for JC, IP and VJ dancers. More phototaking with a DSLR of memorable moments in the dance. Partners, jazz girls, salsa girls, everything, it was so much more light hearted because it brought back the pleasant memories of preparation for our dance, without the attached stress.

Got changed, left our costumes behind finally, and trooped off into the sunset towards our treat at swensens.

The end.

We're more than just being Serial Number 121. There's more to us than that :)

"Fuck"

2011-03-27T17:36:00.002+08:00

Today i lost a friend. By choice, not by chance.

Before today, i never thought this was possible for me. Sure, i've lost friends who've changed over time, but never willingly nor was it a decision for me to make. This time, today, its enough, and thats as far as our friendship's going to get.

For the past few years, its been questionable. I admit i enjoyed her company, but it always came at a price. I was never the most comfortable around her, neither did i think she was a best friend to have. After we left school, i tried to keep in touch. Time and again, you left me behind, in favour of better friends to show that you're higher flying than the people you could afford to leave behind. I've got my faith, beliefs and friends keeping me firmly rooted. I've got my grades and a social life. I've got more than you can ever get if you keep this up. What have you got, to make me feel down in the dumps?

If you resort to two faced behaviour and underhandedness like this, im sorry we have nothing else left to say to each other. You can continue hanging out with those friends of yours whom you'll one day leave, because you can never hang on to friendships in tough times.

Its a really difficult thing for me to do, and you have to know this. Its really a pity, because from today onwards, im pretty sure i'll never talk to you again. If you bump into me somewhere (by coincidence, because i'll never ask you out again), don't look elated to see me please. And don't be alarmed because you'll get nothing more than a cordial greeting with me. Im dispensable? I'm sorry, you've become trash to me too.

Goodbye.

Not my turn yet.

2011-03-20T21:27:00.002+08:00

Its just not my turn yet, but i'll wait for it because when my turn comes, its going to be beyond my wildest dreams. Give or take three more years, and the worst will be over because i believe things will go just fine. Its time to envy now, before fantasy turns into reality. I'd be living a dream then, but now i'll just live in the dream.

Hold true.

GP revision.

2011-03-06T12:00:00.002+08:00

Okay la i guess not revision, its more like studying for gp. Which always, inevitably, leads me to a multitude of opinions and half-formulated arguments countering what i've read. There is a desperate need for me to bring my arguments through instead of just letting them fester in my head with no outlet to vent it on. Be objective, and cover a wide spectrum of topics. This paragraph is losing its focus already, see what i mean?

In retrospect, tumblr has been one of the best things that ever happened ever since i've started using. Apart from the gorgeous pictures of girls that im pretty sure i'll never look like, there's always a slew of quotes and motivational pictures which always leads me on to a silent contemplation.

1. "Quotes are made more respectable when said by somebody famous" -Albert Einstein.

I stumbled upon a picture of this once, which brought up two issued that i've previously only been vaguely aware about. First, if this quote is to be taken at face value, yes its true. But why? Very often, quotes are just simply somebody's opinion. Whether famous or not, in what way does that affect the reliability of the quote? What a famous celebrity say doesn't necessarily mean that it carries insight in the matter. In stark comparison, a quote from a nobody is likely to be brushed aside, maybe trampled upon. IMO, a good analogy would be choosing between a well-respected general practioner and a medical student in surgery for an operation. The fame of the GP ups his favourability, but does that speak anything about his competence, in a field of which he is likely to have little experience in? Whereas a medical student, although inexperienced, would likely to have known all the techniques needed for a successful operation despite having a sore lack of experience. Quotes should always be taken with a pinch of salt, and never should it be lauded just because it was born of a mouth recognized by many, but for something unrelated to the topic of the quote.

The second thing that struck me, was the credibility of the internet. Who should govern the credibility of sources, when the media exposes us all to the freedom of speech? While responsibility is of insurmountable importance when given freedom, it is foolish to expect nobody to exploit this privilege. Brought a step further, we always wonder: what to trust, who to trust? Skepticism awash, how could anybody then construct a solid foundation of facts upon which to build arguments on?

2. Inspirational pictures, and the love-torn.

Sherman always has this theory that people indulge in self-pity simply because its just another means to an end of indulgence. I think that makes sense. Psychologically, its proven that all pain beyond 12 minutes is merely a result of self-infliction. I'm always swayed on this, never coming to a consensus on which side of the fence i stand on.

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"

Actually there isn't much link between my points here, its just verbal diarrhea which really needs some sewing up of all the points into a reasonable opinion. Tumblr is just another platform for choice, to see the good in the world, or to languish in the depths of despair (somewhere in mermadia HAHA). Somebody on tumblr mentioned that they hoped 'tumblr will bring together all those jaded by love, to allow them to see that there is good left in the world to love again'. Inspirational??????

Half-empty or half-full, i would say im a realist. A realist may be perceived to be no different from a pessimist by many, but as long as you understand inherently where the line is, its all that matters. To let hopes be backed by plausible outcomes and hesitations similarly be backed by reality, its what prevents you from falling too hard, too fast, yet keeps you abaft in times of glum outlooks.

Back to revision, bye.

Quite a good day :)

2011-02-25T21:16:00.003+08:00

Yeah starting with a sandwich of ham, cheese, egg, avocado and tomatoes :).

Class was okay today, i was zoning out during HX and bio was terribly boring, school day was uneventful. After school was good though, talking with the dancers about stuff confidential to the j2s hahaha. Celebrated Hil's birthday and had cake, today is an utter indulgence. Dance didn't help to make me feel any less guilty though!

Still can't spin well, sigh so worried ):

We had a meeting with Mr Koh this afternoon, which really set me thinking. While some people look for qualities (leadership is prime), its not the only quality that matters does it? What about the people working behind the scenes, the ones with the perseverance to bring a project to completion? While the high D amasses a portfolio of jobs that he's in charge with, very likely it'll be a start and drop kind of thing. Most of the work will be left to the high S, unsung heroes really!

I asked Hillary once i remember, why leadership? Admittedly its one of the few qualities that can be easily observed, but isn't there too much of an importance placed on it nowadays? Rather speaking, it should be said that too little emphasis is placed on qualities that i feel really matter- the slow and steady, stable, well organized, silent worker.

Being a member of something and not holding any leadership post says a lot, actually. Either it can mean that you're unparticipative (more of this next time, i must remember to mention the stories about this girl that i dont like), or it can mean that you're a dedicated worker, behind the scenes. Its not as if such people dont take the initiative.

Okay should stop using words that are too inclusive.

I hardly post about myself but here goes:

I've seen too many people that dont bring a job through to completion. And it troubles me too much for my own good. Such people of weak character, lack of focus, irresponsibility and singlemindedness brings about inconveniences to people around them. For one, i can't stand how these jobs are left languishing, so i take them up before starting anything new. What matters the most to me is not who led the initiative, but whether its a job well done or not.

Unfortunately this mindset doesn't resonate.

A resume shouldn't be the thing dictating a person. Its no wonder that there're so many incidences of wrong judgement.

So useless,

2011-02-17T21:58:00.000+08:00

fourthly, i just heard confite on a facebook link. and it just made me feel.. sad i guess. that i consider our batch to be some sort of failed batch. because there was no progress from us moving up to being seniors. we did not push the choir to greater heights. and dont try to argue against my point after reading this, because the truth of the matter is that our batch itself rejected the overseas trip and you all can’t tell me that we would’ve achieved what the seniors couldn’t achieve.

anyone with proper ears can hear how disgusting we sound like now and the worst thing is there seems to be no panic or or desire for improvement.

not only musically, it’s not like we’re doing better in any other aspects. i mean, i don’t really need to touch on anything else. just thinking about it yourself, its quite obvious.

socially, musically, academically, we have proven ourselves to be quite useless.

-Sherman, stepemo.tumblr.com

So true, so true. Haven’t we floudered, been incompetent, and have really bad attitude? As much as i love the dancers,….things really have to change. Buck up please, get your act up and study hard, CTs are coming. Allllll dancers.

What sound is to choir is technique to dance. What quality is to choir is teamwork to dance.

Urgh. Sherman has his senses opened from red wine, whereas my thoughts are lucid from anger.

Vday this year

2011-02-15T21:12:00.003+08:00

was aaaaamazing:D

Thank you for every single one of you who thought of me while preparing your vday gifts, aw they made me barely able to squash into Kat's parents' car.

Special thanks to junzhou whom i know is caught up to his neck with work and pretty much tired out after the end of every day, but still put in so much thought for me :D its really the thought that counts, i love you ^^

Yumz you people are all accomplished bakers!

What i baked for everybody heh yayyyyyyyy everybody liked it ^^ Cranberry cookies!

Happy girl with my favourite flowers, and boy :D

Sneakpeak!

2011-02-13T21:00:00.001+08:00

'love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling' and yes it is! Its amazing what you've let me feel. Its not been all good, but definitely all real. Thats what i really treasure, because i've felt what everything feels like, and i can say you've opened up my senses more than ever. Maybe that came from all the tickling but whatever. Im grounded to reality but other than that, every day i live like im floating on cloud nine, because our friendship (okay more than that) is something to unique, so personalized, i feel different by remembering who i have with me :D